Insecurity

Drew just left to go on an overnight camping trip.  It's a homebrewer's retreat, so everyone is bringing high gravity beer and will be super drunk tonight.  I checked the guest list since it's a public event on Facebook and there will be quite a few beautiful, single women there.

So I took to Twitter:

"My husband just left to go on an overnight camping trip where everyone will be very drunk tonight.  If he cheats on me, she better be hot."

"Who am I kidding, every girl in that group is hot.  I'm screwed."

"#alimony"

"Told husband to take our leftover condoms from before I got my tubes tied for when he cheats on me tonight.  'I'll pick some up at Kroger.'"

"He can have the house and the kid.  I just want my car and my coffee cup."

"@(group member Craig) when @(Drew) cheats on me tonight, can you at least make sure it's with someone hotter than me?  Setting the bar pretty low."

"I am, of course, 0% serious.  I am the world's least insecure spouse.  It's built in to my overinflated ego."

That last tweet is true, except for the overinflated ego part.  I'm insecure about a whoooooole lot of things.  My body, my intelligence, my talents, my friends, my mothering abilities.  I'm NOT fishing for compliments so do not go there.  But I have never, not once, been insecure in my marriage.

It's not because I know he loves me or respects our marriage or any of the other intangible things that bind him to me.  It's not because Drew is the most intelligent and frugal man I know and cheating on me wouldn't go so well financially for him if I chose to leave him.  It's not because I know Drew doesn't make ANY decision until after occasionally painfully long consideration.  I've watched enough Grey's Anatomy to know things can happen in the heat of the moment where all sense of fidelity and thought go out the window.  ESPECIALLY when you're drunk.

It's because I know I absolutely cannot do anything about it.  If Drew wants to cheat on me tonight, he's going to cheat on me tonight.  I could have stopped him from going.  I could have gone with him but I do not "camp."  I could blow up his phone all night.  I could text all the other people I know who are going to be there and tell them to watch him for me (I texted Craig and told him I was kidding).  But I won't.  I won't give it another thought except to joke about it on Twitter.

I cannot control him, nor do I want to.  What a tiring existence that would be.  Watching and questioning his every move.  Who is he texting?  Who's calling him?  Did he hug my friend a second too long?  Is he tweeting at a woman?  What does this Facebook message mean?  (I don't read his Twitter timelinezzzsoftwaregunsbeerzzzzz, nor do I know his Facebook password, although I'm sure I could guess it if he died or something.)  If I did all that, and he wanted to cheat on me, he'd still cheat on me.

I guess that means I trust him, but it's more having been raised in AA with the Serenity Prayer.  Accept the things I cannot change.  I cannot change or control my husband's actions.  I just have to trust him.

(Also, I'm NOT insecure about how great I am in bed.  So there's that.)