Friday, April 05, 2013

Diva Cup Part Two: The Follow-Up

So, despite my previous admittedly terrible experience, The Cult lured me in again.  I have abandonment issues, people, when I see the chance to join a club, I'm taking it.  Plus, it was $30.  Many of them reassured me that when I was actually on my cycle, the Diva Cup is much easier to pull out.  I started my cycle yesterday, and days 2-4 of my cycle are my heaviest, so last night, without a drop of liquor in me clouding my judgment, I folded it in quarters and put it in again.

It was immediately uncomfortable.  I felt some... pressure and, well, it just felt like there was something inside my lady cave.  The Cult says you're not supposed to feel it, but there was definitely something there.  That's why I hate tampons - I can always feel them inside me.

So I Kegeled.  And Kegeled.  And Kegeled again, as hard as I could.  I probably could have crushed a boiled egg.  But still, I felt it very prominently.  Not wanting to go through the debacle of trying to pull it out again, I just went to sleep.

Woke up this morning and decided to leave it in until after I took Ace to school because there was no way I was going to stick tweezers near my vagoo again until I was properly caffeinated.  It was SO uncomfortable.  I suppose adding 50 or so Kegels and a bunch of wiggling to my morning routine isn't a BAD thing, but with each Kegel release and the continued discomfort, I felt my tenuous Cult membership slipping away.

Dropped Ace off, came home, walked gingerly to the bathroom, shoulders weighted down by defeat, and sat down to pee.  As I was pushing the last of my pee out... um...

Queen Victoria burped.

DAINTILY.  LIKE A LADY.

And the Diva Cup popped halfway out.  I actually yelled "wait!  I'm not ready!" and frantically Kegeled while wiping my pee.  To my relief, the cup came out the rest of the way with a small tug on the stem.

Y'all.  Instead of being completely grossed out by my own body LIKE A NORMAL PERSON WHO JUST HAD AN EARTHQUAKE IN HER BAT CAVE CAUSED BY A LITTLE RUBBER CUP, I thought to myself "CLEARLY I put it in wrong."  THE CULT IS STRONG.

So.

Yeah you right.

Rinsed it out (and don't tell my husband whose sink I used), folded it in quarters, and shoved it back in. That time, I didn't feel it so prominently.

Then I sent a text to entirely too many people including the words "vagina" and "fart" and one Cult member sent back heartfelt "fart wishes" for my next attempt at an easy extraction.

Don't judge me.  If you can't text your friends about vagina farts before 8 in the morning, you don't have real friends.

I must have put it in wrong that time, clearly shaken by my eruption, because there was some leakage, but I have changed it three times since then, quite easily, and haven't had a single leak.  Nor any more eruptions.

I have found it easier to pull it out by the cup (once I've pushed hard enough) instead of the stem, because my fingers just cannot grasp the stem, and once I grab the cup the suction is broken and it's VERY easy to pull out.  Plus, I can still feel the stem when I move around.  Yet ANOTHER Cult member told me that in Advanced Diva Cup Cult Training 101, you learn to trim the stem off.  So that's my next step, or I'll try the SoftCup, which has no stem and I hear is available in some local Krogers.

I AM IN THE CULT NOW.  Is there some sort of hazing ceremony or will y'all let me in for making a total ass out of myself over the last two posts?

You DEFINITELY have to not be squicked by menstrual blood to do this.  I am still a Baby Cult Member and it has gotten on my hands every time (and again, don't tell my husband whose sink I'm using to rinse it out) but I haven't been grossed out by menstrual blood in probably over 5 years.  Yes, I'm washing my hands long enough to sing "Happy Birthday" twice.

Time will tell my level of proselytizing, but for now, I'm just going to say, I'm convinced by it.  I'm looking forward to perfecting my insertion technique, I'm looking forward to using it at the gym and when I'm swimming, and I'm looking forward to not paying $8 for pads every month and stuffing ALL THE TRASH CANS.

You can stop reading now.  Really.  ONLY GO PAST THIS POINT IF YOU ARE A POST-PUBESCENT FEMALE OR ARE TRYING TO PROVE SOMETHING TO YOURSELF AS A MAN.

Ladies, you know how when you're using a pad or a tampon you can feel revolting gushes of *shuddergag* occasionally coming out of you if you've been sitting or lying down too long or when you sit on the toilet?  That has not happened to me all day.  I don't know if it's because the cup is sitting up against my cervix and catching everything immediately or what, but that's gotta be one of the worst parts of a period and I haven't felt it at all.

I think that's basically the last boundary I had to cross on this blog.  Long-time readers will remember the wound vac and I thought that'd be as low as I'd go, but this is it.  It's been a nice 7 years or so.  I'll show myself out.

4 comments:

Regan Parks said...

I need to buy one of these. I think. Maybe.

Or not. I don't know.

The Diva said...

Regan, I'm really conflicted too. I don't know if it'd be worth the squick factor. Maybe since she is a baby cult member, she's not selling it as well as a full grown cult member. There must be more boundaries she can cross in the name of The Cult.

Jonathan said...

Thanks for this post, cousin. I've avoided dieting because I'm always afraid that I'll cheat. Thanks to this post here, I have quite an effective tool in my mostly ineffective collection of hunger avoiding tools.

Meg@SMC said...

SoftCup is not the same as a Diva Cup. SoftCup goes in much further and actually around your cervix whereas a Diva cup only goes in as far as a tampon. Be sure to turn it 360 degrees once its in to create a suction. If you can feel the stem, try inserting it just a tad bit more and that feeling should go away. Glad you're trying new things! Welcome to the club!