Thursday, April 26, 2012


I have done a remarkably good job of surrounding myself with people over the past 4 years. I've built up some 400 friends on Facebook. I'm up to 1200+ followers on Twitter. I am never alone unless I want to be. That's by design, you see, since I have a deathly fear of being alone - it comes from the very vivid memory of waking up in a foster home realizing neither of my parents really wanted me. People are my addiction. I want to be surrounded by people at all times. I HATE being alone.

Fact is, those thousand plus people I've surrounded myself with aren't my friends. They're acquaintances. I trust most of them very little, since the last time I put my full trust in a friend she completely tore my heart out and shit on it. I'll never trust anyone the same way again. And that's okay.

My life boils down to the three people I can trust with anything. My husband. My big sister. My best friend of 13 years. They are my best friends. They are my only true friends. If I lost everyone else in my life but them, that would be okay. I love the rest of my family and I really like a lot of the people I've hoarded over the past few years, even though I fully trust none of them. But full trust? Only those 3.

Which makes me a pretty lonely person overall, doesn't it?


Bethany said...

I only know you from your Twitter and your blog (which you don't update often!), but everything I know, I ADORE. You are funny, to-the-point and in love with your family (and Drew Brees).

Thanks for sharing your woes, and there are big hugs from Texas. And if I'm ever in MS, I expect a meal at one of the many places you rave about... and you can expect the same in Houston. :o)


Allison said...

I think if we all really sat down and thought about it, MOST of us would only be able to count those whom we REALLY, COMPLETELY trust on one hand.

I don't think you're lonely. Too careful about letting people close to you? Maybe.

Wanda said...

Allison said it well - you just can't trust people - even family unfortunately. Count them as friends (and a few as true/good friends) and consider yourself blessed that you aren't alone. Because none of us really are - even if we feel like we are.

Danielle said...

I think you'd probably find that most people, if they were really being honest with themselves, have only a few actually, true, close "people." Plus, you are enjoyed and admired by many, and while we may not be there for you in the way that your three "people" are, you're in our thoughts and have our support, too.

Unknown said...

In general, humans are a fallible bunch of folks, so once you've been hurt, it's hard to really want to throw your heart out to everybody you meet, because you know they won't catch it. I'd guess that having three people you really trust and love and let in is on the high end of average.