Thursday, October 01, 2009

This one's for the ladies.

Dear women of the civilized world:

Please, for the love of all that is holy, and for the love of all that is not holy, and for Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny, and for me, please, please STOP HOVERING OVER THE TOILET SEAT. If I see one more toilet seat delicately sprinkled with your freakin' urine, I will track you down and make you go clean it up. You are disgusting.

Yes, toilet seats are gross. DO NOT LICK A TOILET SEAT. If you don't lick the toilet seat, it is VERY unlikely you will contract any diseases from a toilet seat. And what exactly do you think you would get from sitting on a toilet seat, anyway? An STD? Yes, if someone with open butt sores sits on a toilet seat and you somehow manage to sit on the same toilet seat within like 5 seconds of them, AND YOU ALSO HAVE OPEN BUTT SORES, you might catch something from a toilet seat.

Although, if you have open butt sores, I, personally, want to ask you to just go ahead and stay home. You don't want any... seepage. Or something. Just stay at home and air that stuff out.

Seriously, I am a big fat germophobe and I know that sitting on a toilet seat won't mean I'm walking away with the clap. However, when I see pee on the doggone toilet, I have to make the decision to either clean it up myself, which, um, no thanks, or go against EVERYTHING I BELIEVE IN and hover myself. I usually go for the former, because my thighs are not quite hover-ready.

STOOPPPPP MAKING ME CLEAN UP YOUR PEE, YOU DISGUSTING WENCHES.

18 comments:

Lauren said...

I love you for this.

Mommy said...

This entire entry is EXACTLY why I do not use public restrooms unless my bladder is ready to EXPLODE.

Jen said...

I am dying laughing. You tell it sister!!! I mean it!! That is a huge pet peeve of mine! And you know D@MN well that they knew they peed on the seat!! GRRRRR! Nasty asses, literally! :)

love ya!

Katy said...

Why can't people just clean up after themselves? Are they unaware that hovering causes these issues? Also, you can always just lay down toliet paper if you don't want your hiney touching the seat.

I also wanted to comment on your other post. I take an anti-depressant and went off of it for my entire pregnancy. I felt a little off-balance for a lot of the time, but pregnancy is short in the grand scheme of things. Talk to your doc and wean slowly. I'm one of those people that never sleeps either and I'm sure I'd be addicted to any sleep aide I could get prescribed to me. I think you're probably normaler (totally not a word) than you think.

Sharon said...

Almost just spit my coffee out laughing.

i'm black betty said...

amen. i never hover. i strategically put down about a 20 fold layer of toilet paper. it works...no sprayage.

(_*_) that's a butt. cool, huh? :D TGIF!!!!

Waterfall said...

AMEN!

tank said...

I'm w/Mommy. I've trained myself to hold it for hours just so I don't have to use a public restroom. (now everyone can tell me how bad that is on my bladder)

Watercolor said...

AMEN! Just sit already.

Mrs.H said...

All the men out there are looking pretty smug right now!

Jo said...

I am physically unable to hover. Tried it once in a porta potty (yeah had to go BAAAAAAAD!!!!)... it wasn't a pretty sight. And THEN...there was no toilet paper.... My friends wondered why I went IN with 2 socks and came OUT with only 1. *sigh*

Thanks for the chuckle :)

Jo said...

HAHA!!! The word verf for THIS comment... is cooti! NO LIE! LMAO!!!!!

Jo said...

LMAO... this one is maxied! OMG! It just keeps getting better!!!

Crawdaddy79 said...

I think I can say with confidence that everyone that has posted on this post has hovered over a toilet seat.

That's right. I'm male. I said it.

Seems it would be easier to convince people to lift the seat up before hovering, than to sit on the seat.

Christine the Soccer Mom said...

I've never hovered, but it's been a general rule since I was a little girl (which I've passed on to my girls) that you wipe the seat no matter what it looks like, just in case.

I HATE Hover-women. They are disgusting. If you want to stand up to pee, then lift the seat like men do.

This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. Enormous!!!

RhondaLue said...

AMEN, AMEN, AND AAAAAAMEN!!!!!!!!!!!

Couldn't have said it better myself wenches!

And for the record, I have *never* ONCE in my life hovered. Not everrr!

Rissa Ree said...

I agree with you.

Margaret said...

I do not have the physical ability to hover. My thighs aren't that fancy. I hate going into a public restroom to find pee all over the seats. Freaking clean it up people! You have to turn around the flush so you KNOW what you did. Thank you for this post.