Do you ever get scared? I don't mean the kind of scared in a movie theater during a scary movie, or the moment right before the glass mayonnaise jar hits the tile floor, or when you have a hangnail that is bugging the CRAP out of you and you can't find your fingernail clippers in your purse.
I don't even mean the kind of scared you get when you think you've locked your keys in the car, or you can't find your checkbook. Or when you go in for the last bite of fried chicken and you realize it wasn't cooked all the way through.
I mean the pit-of-your-stomach, cold sweats, what-the-hell-is-gonna-happen scared. The kind of scared you get when your car starts to hydroplane.
Hi, I'm Stacey, and I'm scared.
I've been on Geodon for my bipolar disorder since the beginning of April. It's the stuff that sent me to the ER and the neurologist and the MRI a few months ago, but I went on a lower dose and it doesn't do that anymore, so that's good. It's helped me a LOT and I've been very happy with the effects.
I'm scared that I'm dependent on it for sleep. Before I started it, I hadn't slept in weeks, and any time I try to sleep without it, I absolutely can't. Now, mania is part of bipolar disorder, and insomnia is part of mania. The Geodon is a mood stabilizer, so it brings the mania down a notch, and helps me sleep. It's also highly sedating - within 3 hours of taking it, I can't keep my eyes open. When I wake up in the morning, I'm hung over for a good hour. I stupidly took it during my BFF's bachelorette party dinner, BEFORE we went walking in the Quarter, and by 11, I felt like absolute hell. By 1 when I finally went to bed, I could barely walk. I feel pretty guilty about that. I should've taken it later.
Still, I don't mean that it knocks the mania down so I can sleep, I mean that I'm actually dependent on it for sleep, the way people get dependent on sleeping pills.
I don't want to be on this stuff for the rest of my life, I really don't. I've come to the realization that I would like to eventually get pregnant again, and this stuff hasn't even been tested on pregnant women - that's how much *they* know it's bad for pregnant women.
Still, I don't want to get pregnant again if it means that I won't sleep for the months I'm trying and the months I'm gestating and the year I'm breastfeeding.
Am I like every other psychiatric patient who gets their sh*t together with the help of meds, then thinks their lives are hunky dory, then decides to go off the meds, then loses their sh*t again? Is that going to be my life? Am I officially, irretrievably crazy? No going back to not being crazy, even though you weren't crazy for 28 years? Sorry, you're done, this is your life now?
Am I going to have to give up my dreams of being pregnant again because I cannot sleep without this drug?
These questions have been absolutely haunting me lately.
It doesn't keep me awake at night though. Horses, a film crew, an airplane, and Billy Mays' ghost couldn't keep me awake at night.
2 weeks ago