Friday, May 22, 2009

Bad. Very bad. And stupid.

So I'm going through this whole mind transformation, right? A couple of weeks ago, someone suggested a full-body cleanse to me. Said it'd clean my skin, liver, kidneys, and bowels (yum!). Lots of toxins in all of those areas, you see. Well, I don't want toxins. "Toxins" sound like "toxic," and toxic means bad, right y'all? I thought, what the heck. I'm cleaning up my brain, let's do a little Spring cleaning of my organs. Sounds like a spiffy idea.

So off to my local health-foods store I went. "Take these for 30 days - one in the morning and one at night - with a balanced diet. You may experience some mild nausea, but that's the toxins getting out of your system. Drink plenty of water and it'll go away," said the be-dreaded super hippy supplements guy. So happily, I plunked down $30 for these pills.

I started Monday, and within hours realized it was a total sham. Something in those pills causes serious dehydration, and guess what cleanses your skin, liver, kidneys, and bowels? Water. And water is really, really cheap. I drank 5 liters of water that first day.

Did I stop when I came to the realization that I'd been had? Heeeeeck no! I paid $30 for this crap, no way was I gonna throw it away.

I really, really should have.

Today, I was talking to Ace's babysitter and suddenly realized I was very near fainting and/or barfing. I managed to keep it together, but have felt absolutely terrible the rest of today. Drew sweetly pointed out that I look "puffy" and he's right. My chin and jaw are all puffed out and huge. If this is what it feels like to have toxins flushed from my body, I like my toxins just where they are, THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

So kids, take it from your old Aunt Stacey. Full-body cleanses are a total sham. Drink plenty of water, eat your fruits and veggies, and throw some Cheerios in there, and you'll never miss "cleansing."

Shoot, even if your diet is a steady intake of Burger King, lard out of the can, and Mountain Dew, you still shouldn't do a cleanse. They are nonsense. Don't do it.


HEATHER said...

Bwhahaha!!! You cracked me up with the lard out of can and mountain dew diet!!

Waterfall said...

Did someone say Mountain Dew? Mmmm!

Sorry the "cleanse" ended up cleansing only your wallet. The human body is an amazing thing and does a pretty good job of cleansing itself. Some of that stuff can be dangerous--so glad you're not taking it anymore!

shiksa said...

Ick! I've always thought that cranberry juice and yoga was just as good a "cleanse" as anything else, and far more enjoyable. Hope you get to feeling better soon.

Sandi said...

You're right about the water ... throw in some antioxidants like green tea and you'll be just fine. And it's cheaper than stuff at the supplements stores.

Watercolor said...

If we needed the cleanse, our doctors would make us do it for all sorts of ailments. ;) Sorry it made you feel so yucky. Water water water and you'll feel better even without the cleanse stuff. I am always amazed at how much better I feel when I am not skating on the edge of dehydration, lol! hugs!!!

Christine the Soccer Mom said...

I'm sorry I didn't say anything earlier, but this really isn't necessary. If you just start eating healthily, your body cleanses itself out within a couple of days. It's what your liver is for. ;)

But anyway...eating healthy is just a good thing for you, so if this got you a little on the way towards it, then that's a good thing, right?

Me, I'm hoping that the big celebration for Little Girl next weekend won't undo the small success I had with losing some of the weight I gained back in the last year. 'Course, I'll be working so hard around the house over the next couple of days that it might not make that much difference. ;)

Allison said...

Sorry, I have to disagree with Watercolor - doctors wouldn't have you do a "cleanse" if it would help - they'd be losing business! =)

I think health food stores are a sham.