So it's May 20th. As I've said in past years, this is the anniversary of the day that my aunt got extremely drunk and took her own life. I was in the house at the time, and was the last person to talk to her. Today kinda sucks for me anyway.
However, today is also my baby's due date. I know it's just an estimate, but it's a symbolic date and it has a lot of meaning for me.
This morning was horrible. I got to therapy and just wanted to come back home and go to sleep, but the other women in my group insisted that I stay and work through everything. I did because I knew it was the most healthy thing to do. We read a meditation every morning, and today's just happened to be on grieving and sadness. Yeah God, I hear ya. So I bawled my way through that. The women there talked to me and helped me get some of my feelings out and let me process.
After group, I ran to get lunch and went back to the treatment center to eat, waiting for the bad news. My insurance has decided that they know my treatment needs better than the medical professionals who are treating me, and have decided to stop paying. Of course, the crazy hasn't quite been all the way cooked outta me quite yet, so I am going to continue there. And hoo-boy, it's gonna be expensive, but Drew and I both agree that I really need this, so we're finding a way to pay.
Got home and relieved the awesome, awesome babysitter that's watching Ace while he's on Summer break 1 of 2, and instead of zoning out in front of the TV like I normally would do to avoid my feelings, I sat down and started writing.
While I was writing, I realized that I've always felt that my first baby was a girl and while I was driving home today, I couldn't stop thinking that my third baby was a girl too. So I decided, based solely on feelings, not on logic, that they are both girls.
I also decided that Saturday will be my memorial service for my youngest daughter. We will plant a lemon tree for her, and I'll be getting a tattoo in her honor... hopefully. I know what artist I want and she's not available, but what I want is really simple, so we'll see who I can get.
I felt peaceful after all my writing. Like I'd done the right thing. Then Drew got home with a bunch of roses, because he's the best husband ever. We talked for a good hour, then he woke Ace up and I made a delish supper.
I do feel okay tonight. I can't say that I'm at the last stage of my grief, but I haven't felt peaceful in a long time. I've felt pretty angry for several weeks, and before that, I've just numbed the pain with sleep or television or eating or internet or really anything else to avoid feeling grief or sadness. Today, I felt. And now I feel more peace.
Please, if you're praying tonight, say a prayer for my baby girl. I miss her a lot right now and wish she could be here with us.
Goodnight, precious girl. Daddy, Ace, and I love you and your big sister.
4 weeks ago