Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Today

So it's May 20th. As I've said in past years, this is the anniversary of the day that my aunt got extremely drunk and took her own life. I was in the house at the time, and was the last person to talk to her. Today kinda sucks for me anyway.

However, today is also my baby's due date. I know it's just an estimate, but it's a symbolic date and it has a lot of meaning for me.

This morning was horrible. I got to therapy and just wanted to come back home and go to sleep, but the other women in my group insisted that I stay and work through everything. I did because I knew it was the most healthy thing to do. We read a meditation every morning, and today's just happened to be on grieving and sadness. Yeah God, I hear ya. So I bawled my way through that. The women there talked to me and helped me get some of my feelings out and let me process.

After group, I ran to get lunch and went back to the treatment center to eat, waiting for the bad news. My insurance has decided that they know my treatment needs better than the medical professionals who are treating me, and have decided to stop paying. Of course, the crazy hasn't quite been all the way cooked outta me quite yet, so I am going to continue there. And hoo-boy, it's gonna be expensive, but Drew and I both agree that I really need this, so we're finding a way to pay.

Got home and relieved the awesome, awesome babysitter that's watching Ace while he's on Summer break 1 of 2, and instead of zoning out in front of the TV like I normally would do to avoid my feelings, I sat down and started writing.

While I was writing, I realized that I've always felt that my first baby was a girl and while I was driving home today, I couldn't stop thinking that my third baby was a girl too. So I decided, based solely on feelings, not on logic, that they are both girls.

I also decided that Saturday will be my memorial service for my youngest daughter. We will plant a lemon tree for her, and I'll be getting a tattoo in her honor... hopefully. I know what artist I want and she's not available, but what I want is really simple, so we'll see who I can get.

I felt peaceful after all my writing. Like I'd done the right thing. Then Drew got home with a bunch of roses, because he's the best husband ever. We talked for a good hour, then he woke Ace up and I made a delish supper.

I do feel okay tonight. I can't say that I'm at the last stage of my grief, but I haven't felt peaceful in a long time. I've felt pretty angry for several weeks, and before that, I've just numbed the pain with sleep or television or eating or internet or really anything else to avoid feeling grief or sadness. Today, I felt. And now I feel more peace.

Please, if you're praying tonight, say a prayer for my baby girl. I miss her a lot right now and wish she could be here with us.





















Goodnight, precious girl. Daddy, Ace, and I love you and your big sister.

15 comments:

Laurie said...

Right here with ya - prayers going out and send the same back to me ;). I SO would have taken the nap...

HEATHER said...

I've been praying for you every night and will continue to do so.

From the Doghouse said...

I'm glad you stayed for therapy, it sounds like it was the best move.

Stupid insurance companies.

I'm glad you found a way to face your feelings and glad it helped.

Will be praying.

i'm black betty said...

being in therapy yesterday was the best thing you could have done. i'm so proud you stay and released those feelings into a room full of people who understand and care.

i really hate that the insurance company is doing that. they have no clue what it takes. dumbasses.

i'll be praying for you and the family this week and weekend. if you need anything, especially a good laugh at my expense, i'll be around yo neighborhood bugging alice.

love you, mean it.

Erin Steele (previously Domeyer) said...

(((BIG BIG HUGS))aww you made me cry. You deserve to feel peace. You have had it rough and i know you will make it through this just take time to process. I also think therapy will help, it always does to go through the pain not pass it by. It alwasy comes back if we don't deal with it properly. I am praying for you and your family, all of your family!!

Waterfall said...

Praying for you. It's it wonderful how writing helps?

Insurance companies can be such a nightmare. When I was in my early 20's, my insurance decided to stop paying at a really critical time in my depression treatment. I guess they figured the crazy girl had already cost them enough money.

I'm glad you're doing what you can to keep getting treatment.

Waterfall said...

Oops, I meant to write "isn't it," not "it's it"!

What?! said...

awww, Stace, my tears go and love go out to you. My prayers will include you and yours....

RhondaLue said...

*sniff*

Keep on keepin' on.

Allison said...

You know I'll be praying. And I think it's a very good thing to continue your treatment.

Jo said...

Stacey, I am so glad that you accepted the feelings that your babies are girls :) I believe the need to know is one of those unexplainable phenomena. And sometimes we don't realize that we need to know, until we know. Does that make sense?

I am also glad that you are feeling more peaceful today. I know it is a hard day, and I am sorry for that.

((HUGS))

Bird said...

So incredibly proud of you for writing this/sharing this/doing this. It's a good thing.

dhcoop said...

I'm just now catching up on my blog reading so I just read this. I want you to know I think of you often and just said a little extra prayer for you. Hugs, darlin!

Jen said...

prayers always Stacey. I am glad you had someone to talk to during this time.

I know your pain and I am with you, always.

Watercolor said...

love you. hugs!