"How's it going," read half the e-mails in my inbox. And I suck at responding. Sorry, y'all.
It, in fact, is going very well. I just completed my second week of treatment, and I can't believe how good I've been feeling.
One of the biggest issues I've faced over the past 6 months is simply not telling myself "no" when it comes to food. If I wanted it, I ate it. Everything. I am very proud to say that I have told myself "no" a LOT lately, and dang if it's not getting easier and easier. The doctor said that the bipolar medication would help a lot with impulse control, and that's so true.
Ace's PT gave him a little Easter bag full of candy in plastic eggs today. I gave Ace one egg which had about 6 or 7 of those M&M eggs in it and I said "hey, lemme just eat one of those." Then I realized I wouldn't eat one - I'd probably eat the whole bag of crap and feel terrible for the rest of the day, and probably jack up my entire meal plan because of it. I handed Ace the plastic egg and got in the car.
Y'all, that self-awareness hasn't happened to me in MONTHS. I can't believe it.
I talked to the doctor on Tuesday about possible ADD/ADHD treatment, and he readily agreed based on my past diagnosis of ADD (before ADHD was cool) and current symptoms and gave me a prescription for Adderall. NICE.
Now here's the thing. Adderall is an amphetamine, a stimulant. It should completely jack me up and send me to crazy-town, but it did the exact opposite, which is a pretty immediate diagnosis of ADD. I took one at about 1pm on Wednesday and went to pick Ace up from school. After I got home, put him to bed, and sat down, I just felt this incredible calm wash over me. The noise in my head quieted down and I just sat and felt at peace. Amazing. I felt like I could take the best nap ever... on amphetamines.
Then I started one of the exercises I'm supposed to do, which is drawing various events from my past. The subject I chose carries a lot of pain for me, but I sat and did those drawings for 5 hours. I barely even stopped to pee. Normally, I'd be watching TV and fiddling with my phone and getting up to do other things, but I had such focus and determination, which hasn't happened to me in many, many years. I felt so successful and proud of myself.
(I'll probably save talking about how much treatment for ADD could've changed my life for another post. This one's already getting too long.)
Tomorrow morning, I'm heading to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. This kinda bothers me still - I know I likely fit the profile of an overeater, but I just am not feeling it. This not-saying-no issue has only cropped up since my miscarriage, and I guess I just don't feel the need to call myself an addict. I'm just not sure. I'm going to do a fair bit of listening tomorrow and figuring out if I do identify. I probably will. Who knows. I'm keeping an open mind.
So that's what's going on with me.
3 weeks ago