huggable... not flushable

Drew and I recently dumped our Sam's Club membership. The only things we were really going there for were laundry detergent, toilet paper and paper towels, and we'd invent other things we needed (like Febreze and Kashi bars!) and make the half hour drive to Ridgeland to pick everything up. We figured it wasn't worth it, so we let it expire. Once the one in Pearl opens, we'll go there again.

The time came recently when we needed toilet paper. I was at home cleaning the house, so Drew took Ace and did the grocery shopping, including picking up the TP. Proving that you can't send a man to do a woman's job, Drew got the super expensive stuff. Not even the generic version. No, Drew went high-falutin'. You know, the stuff that makes bears happy and is huggably soft and whatnot. The stuff with both plys and quilting and stuff. Much different than what we've been wiping with for the past 3 years, which would probably bristle and call you gay if you tried to hug it.

Sure enough, it's like wiping with a cloud. No, a big cuddly blanket. No, a big, cuddly blanket made out of clouds. And bunny hair. And smiles.

Okay, here's the thing. Call me gross, but I tend to be a follower of the "If it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down" philosophy. Since Drew thinks I'm totally disgusting and won't allow me to follow my philosophy while he's at home, I can only do this during the day. My theory is, if I go to the bathroom 4 times and only flush once, I'm saving hella bank on my water bill. Also, bla bla environment conservation bla.

I cannot do this with the happy bear high-falutin' toilet paper. My toilet has clogged more times in the past few weeks than it has in the 3 years that we used the cheap stuff. I've had to drastically change my habits, and I'm starting to understand how it is Sheryl Crow can use only one square when she's doing her bidness. She clearly uses the happy bear high falutin' toilet paper.

It also doesn't clean quite as well. I think the cheap stuff from Sam's Club is made from warthog hair and recycled sandpaper, so it's very efficient at cleaning. Toilet paper made from clouds and bunny hair is not quite as efficient, so I have to use more. I have to courtesy flush after one use, so I'm having to use twice the water for one trip to the bathroom.

Maybe I'm just accustomed to mediocrity, having grown up in households where every penny was sacred, but I don't think I'll be using the happy bear high falutin' toilet paper anymore. My nethers just aren't used to being treated so well, and neither is my plumbing. But hey, at least I'm getting a lot of use out of the high-falutin' toilet plunger.