Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Gelatinous

Carrie always had her nose in a book. She loved those harlequin romance novels, a bit too much. The dramatic stories, the exotic settings, the throbbing bodies - Carrie couldn't get enough! The title of the book - "Gelatinous" - also intrigued her.

Every day when he came from work, her stepfather - known to her as Johnny but to the rest of Rock Haven as Senator John Holmes "Diamond Jack" Campbell IV -would poke his head into her room, smile, and say to her, "You finished that book yet, pumpkin?" She would look up dreamily from her book and, surrounded by posters of Fabio and old fast food wrappers, she would chant mysteriously, "Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady."

Suddenly, there was a tapping on her window and Carrie looked up from "Gelatinous." She gasped in horror! Curious as to what could be tapping on a third floor window, she got up from her bed and went to check it out, only to be interrupted by the sound of her bedroom door being broken down - again - by a web of arms, legs, and curly red hair resembling her twin half-brothers Jacky and David, but which apparently referred to themselves as "Dick" and "Biatch". "CUT IT OUT YOU GUYS!!!!! I'm TRYING to READ!!!" she whined.

The twins laughed eerily, grabbed Carrie's book and turned to run out of the room when suddenly, Ricardo, the gardener with the washboard abs and flowing jet black hair, who had heard her screams, told the twins to STOP! Those two Harry Potter escapees were about to learn a lesson.

Ricardo, who had been cleaning the gutters, lowered himself down from the roof when he heard Carrie's scream, and entered the room through the window his foot had been tapping. Just then, those two little twits jumped onto those motorized scooters that they use to taunt the neighborhood and raced away to one of their many hiding places. Ricardo sighed loudly and promptly gave chase, pausing only to give Carrie a knowing wink before running down the hall after the boys. Carrie said a silent prayer of thanks that her nose had been in a book and wasn't still caught in the three-ring binder like it had been the day before. If the boys had grabbed that and ran off, it could have left a mark that makeup couldn't cover.

Meanwhile across town, Carrie's Father sat on the curb outside the record studio. It was chilly outside, but he was sweating, trying to calm his nerves. His mind wondered to his mistress and their passionate encounter. This second love in his life was his only sanctuary from the real life problems which he faced, which was adult acne.

About that time, two motor scooters with the red-haired devil twins came screaming past. But because of his daydreaming of his mistress Dora Lou, he doens't notice the scooters blaring past, so at this point, it is of no consequence to the story at this time. They were chanting something, which Carrie's father, Victor, could hardly make out until they were almost gone. "I AM NOT A FATTY BUMBALATTY!" Ricardo screamed at the twins as he came tearing around the corner past Victor.

Ricardo's ripped muscles caught Victor's eye and lead him to a new train of thought about that trashy mistress of his. Dora Lou had seem disinterested in him at their last encounter and he recalled asking her, "What is it lover? Is it the acne?"
"No," she said, "it's Ricardo the gardener."

Back in her room, Carrie was thinking. "I sure hope I don't get Daddy's acne. Ricardo would turn away in disgust, and I'd never have a shot at that big old sweaty gardner. Wait a minute," she thought, "Ricardo IS the gardener... do I really want my dad's lover's sloppy seconds?"

The sound of a ringing phone snapped Carrie back to reality. she picked up the reciever and said hello, only to be met with silence and then a sudden voice of a telemarketer asking her if he could interest her in buying I'm so confused. Carrie thought maybe Bobbie Joe (Victor's illegetimate daughter) could help her! The voice on the other end of the phone finally penetrated the deep musings in Carrie's confused mind and she said "uh, what did you say?"
"What the hell, Bobby?", the voice said in a broken English accent.
"This isn't Bobby, you ignorant twit..." Carrie said with disgust.

Carrie quickly remembered to check on the 3 ring binder which held all of her journaled of her relationship with Bobby, that hunkie senior quarterback, as she was hanging up the phone. The telemarketer simply stared at the phone with it's now dead line, thinking to himself "I just don't get these Americans, and why was she calling me Bobby??"

Bobby held a special place in her heart….and in the hearts of the entire cheerleading squad. But his heart was not the part of his body in which she was interested. It was his massive large thick dumbo like ears, which reminded her to pay her satelitte bill. Since her dad had been slacking on the bills due to his problem with alcohol, she had taken a job at a local Piggly Wiggly. The hours sucked, the pay was shitty and that nerdy cashier with the taped glasses gave her the creeps! Poor, poor Carrie. Just when it looked like her life couldn't get much worse... is that a pimple on her nose?!

suddenly, her entire face breaks out....

as across town Dora Lou, carefully screwed the lid back on her jar of red paint, and held up the effigy of Carrie that she kept under her bed. "It's time for the pins," she thought, a wicked snarl unconsciously forming as her mind raced with the possibilities of this one. For this one is special, different than all the others because of her supernatural ability to belch the Greek alphabet, backwards, to the tune of "Ice Ice Baby!"

There Dora Lou was, with her hands outstretched, feverishly doing the Running Man, belching for all she was worth; and as a violent streak of lightning illuminated the sky, somewhere between the omega and the alpha, Dora Lou plunged the pin towards the effigy of Carrie, right towards her right ankle, but she felt dizzy, her balance was off, and she ultimately ended up plunging the antique eight-inch jeweled hat pin deep into her own left thigh; the room began to spin, her mind began to race, as she fought to regain her balance, she stumbled to the fridge - she desperately needed a beer before attempting voodoo again.

Her mind was in a whirl, she had to think of a way to get the hat pin out of her leg; her greatest fear was that she would be found passed out or even worse dead on the floor of the trailer with the effigy in plain site on the kitchen table. Unfortunately for Carrie, the voodoo spell did indeed still have an effect. She found herself with an overwhelming desire to lay down on the kitchen table. As she drifted in and out of consciousness, she thought she was dreaming when she saw something hovering over her.

Was it ... her book? tear it up! Through the fog in her brain, Carrie couldn't quite figure out what was going on. It abruptly fell on her face as she tumbled off of the table with all the grace of a hippopatumus ballerina as the words "Hip-hop-anonymous" ran thru her head. "What is going on here," her father wondered, as he entered the kitchen, wine bottle and foie gras in hand for the surreptious romantic meal for himself and his skanky mistress. Carrie flitted in and out of conciousness, random thoughts steamrolling through her brain like a story with too many writers.

i like pizza! Victor said, looking at the meal in disgust as he overhead the clanking sound in coming from down the hall of the small, tin can of a trailor. Victor was agast at what he saw coming towards him; Dora Lou, in a black lace see through gown, covered in what looked like blood, with a large hat pin sticking out of her leg, she was obviously drunk.

About that time, Carrie woke up in her comfortable, warm bed, with her copy of "Gelatanious" clutched to her chest, and realized that the cold medicine she had taken the night before had caused her to have some REALLY unbelievable dreams. at least she thought they were dreams.

She remembered Dora Lou's effigy from her dream and frantically kicked off her blankets to look at her ankle, where she saw small, slightly singed doll reminiscent of the ones with the pink dresses and the pull string which says the obligatory "mama". However, this doll was different. It had the most eerie resemblance to none other than Carrie, herself, AND the most repulsive case of adult acne she had ever seen! Hesitantly, she pulled the string and instead of saying "Mama", the doll spouted off random blurbs from Proactiv commercials. (The doll looked like Jennifer Love Hewitt and talked like Jessica Simpson). It was a sign from above. Carrie KNEW what she had to do. She had to get on Housewife in Flip Flops and remind everyone of the one sentence rule, and quick!

Then she ran to the window, flung it open, and started scanning the grounds for the hunky Renaldo. Renaldo, Ricardo's older, more mature brother, who had no interest in Carrie's dad's girlfriend, had given her the book "Gelatinous" to read and she wanted to return it to him. Clearly, this man had more on his mind than just Carrie's reading ability, and she wanted to get some of that.

Meanwhile across town, Dora Lou stumbled to Victor and clumsily through her arms around him, belching out "Hellllooo lover," and vomiting on his shoes. Victor looked down at his shoes and said, "What a waste of a good meal." He shoved Dora Lou off him, got up and headed into the nearby lake to rinse his shoes, then into the "sunroom' which consisted a lean-to shanty on the back of the tin-can trailor. As he turned to go home, he was immediately knocked off his feet by the two rambunctious twins who had just come home from their citywide rampage. The twins were startled to see him there, considering he had just been on a curb downtown not moments before.

When questioned by the twins, he knew; it must be Vinnie, his siamese step-brother (same dad, different moms) who had mysteriously vanished years ago after the bizarre accident in the sausage factory separated them. The twins weren't concerned with their father's ability to jump the space- time continuum because they were hungry from their rampage, and were pondering the fact that their father was looking like a pretty tasty snack. you had me at hello.

Victor decided that he did not need this kind of harrassment, life was too short, and things were getting too weird; he made the decision to check into the Betty Ford Center and dry out. Carrie, seeing Renaldo out by the pool, called out and said "Hell naw and if you didn't understand that...hell to the naw!" Meanwhile, back at the ranch ... "Diamond Jack" makes a mysterious reappearance.

And meanwhile, Carrie's poor mother, who Victor dumped unceremoniously shortly after he began his raunchy affair, hatched a devious plot — for revenge on Victor and that vomiting skank ho.

Lurleena, who had been called Lolly, since she was a child, had been, heartsick when Victor dumped her for Dora Lou, she even took to her bed for a solid month; Carrie pretty much had to fend for herself during those dark days. Lurleena decided she would have to make a visit to her favorite spell caster Madame La Pettie, to pick up some armadillo drool, vodka, and turtle toe nails. The perfect ingredients for the perfect revenge; Lolly could barely contain her glee!

A mad glint in her eye, she hunched over her simmering brew, silently willing it to form into the gelatinous poison she'd need to inflict the most horrendous adult acne on whoever the concoction came in contact with.

Victor checked into his room, which, to his surprise, he shared with none other than J.T. Wyatt, the author of "Gelatinous" and a former Baptist minister who had pastored Rock Haven Community Church until He made one little slip of the tongue during a sermon one day and was shunned from the congregation. For an instant Victor thought about punching him in the nose but he decided against it; J.T. had tried to steal Dora Lou last summer, by "ministering" to her all night long. If you know what I mean.

"I'm gonnna go taco box!"

Diamond Jack, who wandered in unnoticed, noticed the open book in the kitchen - opened to a recipe that included, among other items, armadillo drool, vodka, and turtle toe nails. "Who is this Rachael Ray?" he asked himself. "It's going to take me 30 minutes to find this stuff." ooohhh....i know you didn't! But wait! If you act now we'll throw in a set of ginsu knives ...

"Hello J.T.", Victor said as icily as he could muster, considering his burning rage. i see dead people... J.T. observed the broken man before him, stepping forward to embrace him, "God, love you brother, Victor, Praise the Lord, I am so glad to see you here taking this big step in your life". It was then that Victor realized that today was Monday and NOT Friday. He started to laugh hysterically...

J.T. thought that Victor was laughing at him; J.T. threw himself on his bed and began to sob uncontrollably. If you know what I mean. When Victor caught his breath, he screamed so all of the facility could hear him, "Some big ladies man you are, crying like a little girl."

Back in her room, or wherever this narration had taken her, Carrie gazed out of the window at the setting sun, not bothering to take heed of the public service announcement playing on the radio warning of the dangers of staring into the sun or using dangerously long sentences, when she thought wistfully of the day's occurrences and how ironic that they should conclude with Godzilla, silhouetted in the setting sunlight, destroying the nearby nondescript population center like a child destroying so many building blocks, which incidentally reminded her that "Cloverfield" was starting at the local theater tomorrow but she sadly would not be able to see it because Godzilla had just stepped on it.

Carrie held her head in her hands and sobbed; Godzilla was on the loose and her dad was in rehab, maybe her mom could use her newest gelatinous kitchen creation to kill the large reptile. Suddenly, Godzilla belched. "I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I were a baller, I wish I had a girl and then maybe I would call her...." As the primatic belch echoed through the city, Lolly realized she'd been wrong; this potion was not for the dear, crazy people in her life, but for the much higher purpose of saving the world from this ginormous beast playing legos with the local mall.

Lolly quickly filled jugs of the bubbly armadillo liquid and strapped herself to one of Dick and Biatch's motorscooters. "Mom! Don't!" cried Carrie, as she ran screaming after her and in her haste, left the copy of "Gelatinous" on her bed where it was eventually found by Dora Lou and Diamond Jack who lovingly read passages to each other as they rekindled their fiery passion. As Lolly gave herself in sacrifice to the Godzilla creature, (he ate her and the knapsack that held the bubbly potion) Carrie kept running and running, frantically trying to get away from the crazy Dora Lou, her crazy father, the hellion twins and the creepy gardener and when she finally collapsed from exhaustion, she felt a hand on her shoulder and as she turned she saw......RENALDO! He took her in his arms and kissed her hard on the mouth as the Godzilla creature exploded like fireworks behind them. And they all lived strangely ever after.

THE END!!

6 comments:

Black Betty said...

awesome... :)

mayberry said...

I should print this out and read it to mini-me tonight.

From the Doghouse said...

I laughed, I cried ... when does the movie come out?

msudeere said...

Perfect summer movie don't ya think

Watercolor said...

That is truly terrible. heh

Sandi said...

"Gelatinous" needed a sequel anyway. I know of an agent...