Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Back, demon!

I'm feeling pretty down, y'all. Please, have the good taste not to comment and remind me of all the things I have to be happy about. I know I have every right to be ecstatic right now, but I can't bring myself to feel very happy. Don't make me feel bad for feeling bad - I already do.

*Warning: icky subject matter*

My c-section incision opened on Sunday. I sneezed. Apparently, there was a buildup of fluid behind it (called a hematoma) that just had to come out somehow. I had to go to the emergency room, and the next day, to my doctor's office. At my doctor's office, and every day since, the incision got filled with gauze. Three times a day. Today, I get stuffed with what's called a wound vac. Basically, a sponge gets inserted into the incision. The sponge is attached to a tube, which is then attached to a canister. The canister is a vacuum that sucks all the goo out of the incision several times a day, allowing it to heal faster than simply packing it would.

A home nurse will come to my house to cut the sponge down to the right size to accomodate my shrinking wound on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. If I want to shower on any of the other days, my husband will have to remove the sponge then replace it after my shower. Otherwise, the nurse that comes to do the sponge will have to wait while I shower after she takes it out. I simply cannot shower 3 times a week - it will NOT happen. If you know me well, you know I must shower once a day, sometimes twice. When I couldn't shower while I was in the hospital, I thought I'd crawl out of my skin.

If my husband finds me in the least bit attractive after all of this, he is a saint. The things he's seen in the past few weeks are appalling. But, while I was crying about this last night, he hugged me and said "For better or worse, remember? Sickness and health?" Add him to the list of things I should be on my knees praising God about, but can't seem to stop feeling sorry for myself long enough to do so.

I can't drive till this thing heals. This means I'm still on borrowed time from anyone that will drive me to the NICU. That would be mostly my husband.

Then there's my son. God, I love him, so much sometimes that it makes me dizzy. But I have to ask permission to see him, to hold him, to change his diaper, to comfort him, to kiss him... all the things I am supposed to be doing. Having a child in the NICU goes completely against nature. Not to mention I can only spend 2 hours there at a time, since I have to pump every 3 hours.

My house is a complete wreck. I'm not allowed to clean, because I can't bend, I can't lift anything, I can't use my abdominal muscles to move in such a way to sweep, vacuum, or mop, and I'm supposed to be sitting or laying down as much as possible. This means the task of cleaning my disgusting house falls on... that's right, my husband. He's been working 10-hour days to make up for the fact that he missed Monday, and he's exhausted when he gets home. I feel bad asking him for things, but he never complains, never questions, never screams at me for being utterly useless.

I've developed the sleep sweats. Every time I go to sleep, I sweat. It's pretty funky.

I'm having a hard time with the every-3-hours pumping. I was slacking off, letting it go to every 4 to 4 and a half hours. Now that I've hunkered down and gone back to every 3 hours, my boobs aren't making as much as they were when I was going every 4 hours. Everyone keeps saying "you'll be doing it a lot more often when Ace gets home!" But I won't have to clean Ace before feeding him, hook him up to a machine, make sure he's on the right setting, let him rip for 20 minutes, label him, write the date and time on him, clean him again, and put him in the freezer on the other side of the house. At least I don't think so. Correct me if I'm wrong

I think I'm just feeling like a failure. I have the worst time getting pregnant, and I can't even carry a child like I'm supposed to. I don't suppose I should start on the fact that my little sister is pregnant by an A-1 loser, and jumped on the welfare wagon the second she found out she was pregnant, and will stay there till the child is 30, and doesn't have a highschool education, and doesn't have $40 to pay off a fine to keep herself out of jail for drugs, and children cost WAY more than $40, but she doesn't understand why everyone's not falling all over themselves excited about the fact that she's pregnant. Screw you.

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

Will someone call Tom Cruise and have him send me some vitamins?


Melinda said...

I'm so sorry. You have every right to feel exactly how you're feeling. For what it's worth, I've been following your blog for awhile and have totally admired the way you've approached a really scary and difficult experience. Even though you don't feel like it right now, you've been kicking ass and taking names, mama. Hope you're feeling better soon!

Waterfall said...

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. :( "This, too, shall pass," as I tell myself when things are bad. I won't tell you what you have to be thankful for because you clearly already know that Drew is a saint and your baby is a beautiful little miracle. I thought about trying to make you laugh, but I don't want your incision to open up again (talk about bursting out laughing ... argh!). Sorry, bad pun.

So I'll just hope you start to feel better soon, and leave it at that. :)

Melinda Barton said...

YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO FEEL LIKE CRAP RIGHT NOW!!!! This is me yelling silently, by the way. If, by some chance, these feelings continue when your life is NOT turned upside down and weird fluids are NOT flowing from your body and your baby is NOT in NICU and you are NOT forced to lie on your butt all day and your poor hubby is NOT being run ragged, THEN you should call a doctor and discuss post-partum depression. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT CALL TOM CRUISE UNTIL TOM CRUISE GROWS A VAGINA AND A UTERUS AND GIVES BIRTH OR GETS AN M.D. FROM AN ACCREDITED MEDICAL SCHOOL!!!

Surviving said...

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this now. What you are feeling is totally normal. I remember feeling the same things. Just don't be stupid like me and keep your feelings to yourself or buried. Talking about it will help, if even just a little bit. The hospitals I had my kids at had rooms that I was able to use to pump so that I could spend more time at the NICU. Maybe if you asked they could make some arrangements for you. I think being able to spend as much time as I could at the hospital helped a lot, even if it meant just sitting there watching my baby sleep.

Sharon said...

(((hugs))) and prayers for ya!
I am sorry. It sucks. Don't feel bad about it. I was horribly down after my son was born- and he came home w/ me from the hospital. Since then I am partially convinced that hormones are evil and from Satan himself! (ok, partially convinced, right?)
It will get better. Your dh sounds wonderful. And know we're praying for you.

Heather said...

Have you told your OB about the night sweats? The only reason I mention this it the problems you are having with the incision, you may have an infection. I just can't believe that they didn't put you back in the hospital when the wound opened!! Especially since you had to have it vacuumed.
I know exactly how you feel about feeling useless-I told my mother it was like she had two babies to take care of.
You, Ace and Drew are in my prayers! God Bless!