My doctor's office called a little while ago and said that my Essure procedure was successful and my Fallopian tubes are completely occluded. I am now permanently sterilized. No more babies, no more birth control.
I'm pretty glib about it on Twitter and Facebook, and I'm certainly happy that I don't have to worry about pregnancy or birth control anymore but yeah, I'm a little sad. In my life's plan, I was going to be done having babies by the time I was 30, and now I'm 32, so that worked out. But in my life's plan, I was supposed to have 3 babies. One ectopic pregnancy, one preemie, and one miscarriage have told me that my body is not meant to be pregnant, and the medications I'm on to maintain my stability with my bipolar disorder are too important in my life to stop. I know that there are other options for expanding our family, and we may consider them in the future, but it's a distant future.
My confession at the end of my last post notwithstanding, I'm an excellent mother. I have taken very good care of Ace and have been a great advocate for him. I loved every moment of his infancy and toddler years. (Yes, I said his toddler years. I mean it.) The last few years have been quite a challenge, but do not get me wrong, I love being a mother and am a little sad that I'll never have the chance to live those early years again. With all the footprint crafts, the swimming lessons, the cuddling and napping on the couch, the easy copout from chores. And I'm very sad that I'll never get to nurse. Ace never caught on and I didn't have any support, so I pumped for what seemed like forever with him. I'm sad that I'm going to miss out on that aspect of motherhood.
I'm sad that Ace will never have siblings. Those permanent friends who have the unique capability to drive you completely up a wall. He absolutely adores babies and is so, so cute with them and would have made an excellent big brother. I'm sad that I'll never get to surprise Drew with another positive pregnancy test. And I'm very sad that I'll never be able to be pregnant again. Pregnancy with Ace was a breeze. You know, until my water went and broke for no good reason at 7 months.
What makes me saddest about this is Drew. He is absolutely the best father I have ever known, and he deserves to have more children. He is involved, loving, consistent, and his ability to maintain patience in the presence of our very, very challenging child is overwhelming. He actually WEARS his "World's Greatest Dad" t-shirts. In PUBLIC. I daydream about him giving all of our children a bath together and reading them all bedtime stories like he does every single night with Ace.
Drew didn't ask for this and he doesn't deserve it and I can't help but feel a little ding to my self-confidence in my place in his life. I know he agreed to stay with me through everything, and I absolutely trust him. I know that none of this is my fault and he has never indicated that he resents me for any of it. I just wish for him that our lives hadn't gone this way and I definitely feel the weight of blame on my shoulders.
But, I gave him one heir who is his namesake and he never has to use condoms again. Here's hoping those positives, plus the very real threat to his financial status should he ever leave me for a younger, more fertile model, outweigh the negatives.
4 months ago