After spending all day Monday and Tuesday on the phone, I finally decided to go with my last resort, taking Ace to Batson's ER for a psychiatric assessment. They asked a bunch of questions and decided to admit him.
I don't know how long he'll be there. I don't know what their process is. I can only talk to him 10 minutes a day and spend 2 hours with him on the weekends. At least in the NICU I could visit him whenever I wanted.
Leaving him was awful. I remembered the feeling I felt when I was in foster homes, the hollowness, the sadness, the abandonment. I hope to God he doesn't feel that way. I told him about a hundred times that we weren't doing this because he was in trouble, but because he was sick and we wanted him to get better. I reminded him another hundred times that we loved him and wanted the best for him. So hopefully, he's not feeling abandoned.
Drew and I have had overwhelming support. Nobody has come out in judgement of us. Everyone knows we made the decision that was right for Ace even though we're riddled with insecurity. People are texting me to check on me, posting messages of support on my Facebook wall, sending out prayer requests for us. One friend just made me laugh by asking if I have fresh fruit and reminded me to keep eating healthy through all this because I need to keep up my immunities. I do eat healthy so she wasn't telling me anything I didn't know, but it made me laugh nonetheless.
I made an appointment with my psychiatrist for this afternoon so I'm showering today, but the rest of the week is suspect. Unless I get an appointment with my therapist. Or I go grocery shopping. Which I may do this afternoon after I see my psychiatrist so I don't have to take an extraneous shower this week.
Commence the endless Netflix streaming.
4 weeks ago