My brain is racing right now so this might not be very clear, but I feel like I HAVE to write it.
Monday night, I went to Bible study. We always eat and talk before we get down to studyin', and at one point I read out loud something I had written on Facebook. (The note "Ace's preschool questionnaire," if you haven't seen it and you're friends with me. If you're not friends with me, why not?) The note was something I just wrote because people asked me to write and it came out within about 10 minutes and is apparently very funny. My friends at Bible study were laughing to the point of tears, rocking back in their chairs, holding their sides, etc.
Their reaction brought me pure joy. There is seriously nothing in my life that makes me happier than making other people laugh.
Then everyone started complimenting me. 3 people said that I'm a great writer. 1 person said that she logs on to Facebook every day just to see what I've written. Then one guy in the room, BJ, arguably one of the most amazing artistic talents I've ever met, compared me to Erma Bombeck. Seriously? One of the greatest writers of the 20th century? You're comparing me to her? Dude. He then kinda stuttered a bit, kept complimenting me, then said something along the lines of "you could really be something."
I haven't been able to stop thinking about what he said. I've had so many people tell me what a good writer I am, and how funny I am, but (BUT BUT BUT) I have no idea what to do with any of those compliments or how to feel about them. I love writing, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE making people laugh, seriously more than anything, but seriously, could I really be something?
What has occurred to me today is that everything I've ever loved doing, I've abandoned. The first time I realized I was awesome at something, it was the French language. I abandoned that when I dropped out of college and stopped corresponding with my French friends. I used to be SO GOOD at it, y'all. I was good at languages, period. I picked up Spanish like it was nothing. I started learning Italian on my own when I was in my early 20's, and it was easy as pie. Have I pursued anything with my talents? Nope. I have one friend who will post on Facebook/Twitter in both French and English. I can read everything she says in French, but I'll be damned if I can write in French anymore. So I respond in English.
I was good at blogging, and I really loved it. I got hundreds of page views every day. I look back at my old posts and I'm amazed that I wrote that stuff. But, I've abandoned it. I don't know why.
I really love photography. Taking a really good picture without having to edit it at all is one of my favorite things in the world. I like to think I'm kinda good at it. Have I pursued it at all? Nope. I have an AWESOME camera and I barely ever touch it anymore.
I enjoy posting on Facebook and Twitter now. I get great responses on both, and every "LOL" I get absolutely delights me. But how long before I abandon that? How long before I stop doing things I enjoy altogether and have no hobbies and no identity?
Why do I keep doing this to myself? Hell, I know why, because I don't think I'm good enough. I'm not good enough at French to do anything with it. I'm not good enough at writing to make a career out of it. I'm not good enough at photography to bring people joy from photographs. Sure, I have talents, but the only way they have any value is if they're adding something to somebody else's life. And nothing I do can do that. Right?
This is my brain. I don't know what to do with it. Good thing I also enjoy paying good money to a therapist every other week.
4 weeks ago