Thursday, June 19, 2008

Oh, come on.

I stayed up a little bit late last night watching Sex and the City reruns on the 25 or so channels that show them every night. During commercials, I flipped around and saw a show called MANswers on Spike. My curiosity was piqued.

Unfortunately, what has been seen can never be unseen.

I watched, horrified, as a physicist tried to determine the size of boob required to smash a beer can. A young "lady" in a C-cup fell on the can with her boob to no avail. A slightly bustier young "lady" with a D-cup fell on the can with her boob to no avail. Both of these women feigned looks of utter disappointment and rejection, as though their hopes and dreams had been dashed. "Hmm," said the physicist.

He took some sandbags and started piling them on top of a beer can. 10 pounds... nope. 20 pounds... nope. 35 pounds ... FINALLY! Well, surely nobody has 35 pound boobs. That's like strapping Ace on my chest - twice.

"Silly Stacey," thought the physicist, as the camera panned to a "lady" with boobs the size of Ace - each. By some startling coincidence this woman's last name was something like Mounds, and her first name had some equally coincidental alliteration, like Misty or something. I'd look her up for accuracy purposes, but I fear Google in this capacity. Misty Mounds it is.

Ms. Mounds, who was at least 45 and had seen difficult days, introduced her disgusting 34HHH boobs. She wavered around sexily, but the pain on her face from carrying around those cannons on a daily basis could hardly be disguised. I have a feeling that she has to keep moving or her back will seize in protest. The mounds themselves were hardly attractive - covered in veins and wrinkles in odd places and stretch marks and some crusty cleavage. Wow. Hott.

I cringed at the inevitable. Just as C-cup and D-cup before her, Ms. Mounds rose up in a half jump and fell gracefully upon the beer can, which crumpled as though mimicking my faith in humanity. Oh, I wish I could see that slow motion shot just once more.

The narrator showed more shots of Ms. Mounds, demonstrating her other unique abilities. "Remember," said the narrator, "Ms. Mounds' boobs are 30 pounds each - that's the same weight as an empty keg, which Ms. Mounds should know, since she can hold one up with her boobs!" Cut to Ms. Mounds, indeed holding a beer keg between her breast and her stomach, just as proud as you can be.

I'm not watching TV for like a week. Guh.

8 comments:

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

That is nasty first off, and second WTH! how is lady even walking around? Not that i'm not shocked that spike would create a show like this, but a physicist? PLEASE!

I'm with you if I had seen this program and all those jugs I would have to detox myself from T.V. too.

Dr. Wifey said...

yikes! reminds me of a college friend who would make her boobs do the bar hop (black betty knows what i'm talkin' bout)

Christine the Soccer Mom said...

I am just so sad for those women acquiescing to being treated as total objects. I am sad, too, for the men who watch that and then expect their wives to be about the same - just a sex toy.

I'm practically ready to just cancel Dish except for the tiny Family Pack they offer. If only I could keep ESPN for the sports ...

mayberry said...

EWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Watercolor said...

oh gah. poor woman. they should pay for self esteem classes for her.

The DP said...

Ok the beer part was nasty, but let me revisit my soapbox- as someone "blessed" in the chest area, I will never understand why someone would want big boobs. I look at Nicole Richie (even when she was fat) or Gwen Stefani (before she got her B cups) and seethe with jealousy. I went to college with this girl who was a chunk like me but a pear shape and I so wanted her chest. Sleeping in bras because your back hurts otherwise is TEH SUCK. When I am done having kids and breastfeeding (uh need to start first) I am going to buy myself some small B cups. I hate big boobies. Not for cosmetic reasons, I will probably look weird, but because I am so freakin tired of having divots in my shoulders and back pain.
Rant over ::takes xanax::

From the Doghouse said...

Crusty cleavage; that sounds like a perverted circus clown.

HEATHER said...

Isn't it sad the things that you end up watching late at night.