Sunday, March 16, 2008

How to get hitched a la Spiehler

As you know, my 7th wedding anniversary was yesterday. Drew and I have a tradition of watching our wedding video every year on our anniversary, and this year was no different. Our wedding was just more fun than anyone should have the right to have, so I want to present you, my loyal blog readers, with a comprehensive guide on how to have a Spiehler style wedding.

1. Go CHEAP on your photographer.* If possible, hire the amateur guy who won't charge you anything, but will straight up run out of batteries before you have your first dance, missing everything thereafter. Thank God your mom and friends were there to take extra pictures.

2. Go CHEAP on your videographer.** If possible, let a guy with some breathing issues videotape the ceremony, then let a 12-year-old videotape the reception. Make sure the 12-year-old zooms in on EVERYTHING, including your boobs and legs, every ribbon in the church, your nose, your embarrassing acne, candles, cake decorations, and 2-liters of Mountain Dew. Also make sure the 12-year-old narrates the whole thing, including introducing everyone at least twice. "Here is Steve. Here is Stacey's dad. Here is Carol. Here's Steve again. Here are the ribbons."

2b. Look around and make sure that the 12-year-old videographer has the camera trained on you and your new spouse right before you start making out like nobody's looking.

3. Make sure your dad doesn't smile in any of the pictures. At all.

4. Don't hide the 2-liters of soda. Leave them out for the world to see. Who're you kidding?

5. Invite people, including your family and closest friends who live thousands of miles away, to your wedding by saying "Hey, I'm getting married on March 15th. Wanna come?"

6. Apologize meekly when your mom says angrily, "THAT'S ONLY A MONTH AWAY!! HOW AM I GOING TO MAKE FLIGHT ARRANGEMENTS!?"

7. Tell people who can't make it because you're getting married thousands of miles away from your family and friends that you'll have a bigger wedding later so everyone can come. ***

8. If you live in Southern California, land of oceans, mountains, cliffs, and other beautiful landscape, go ahead and get married in the church that's in the middle of renovations. Bonus points if that church doesn't even have walls yet.

9. Make sure your flower girl is just about the most adorable thing on the planet.

10. Show the world you're serious about the solemn oath you're taking before God and man by busting out in the world's most uncontrollable giggles right in the middle of "And I vow to honor..."

11. Ladies, this one's for you. Be sure to show the world how graceful and elegant you are by stumbling on the way back from lighting the unity candle. Bonus points if the church isn't finished, because that stumbling will make a very, very loud clunk, audible even over the videographer's breathing issues.

* and ** - Seriously, don't. Just don't. I don't care if you have to beg, borrow, and steal... I don't care if you have to serve hamburgers at your wedding instead of steak... I don't care what you have to do - DO NOT CHEAP OUT ON THE PHOTOGRAPHER. If you have an amateur photographer, there's nothing wrong with that, but for heaven's sake, make sure they have extra batteries, flash bulbs, whatever. And as far as the videographer goes... well, anyone will do. Just make sure it's not someone prone to crying and/or acting like a 12-year-old.

***Chances are, you won't have another wedding. Don't tell people you will. Wait another couple of months and let people make travel arrangements. You'll regret it if you don't.


Watercolor said...

heh. My sister works at CNN and one of the professional cameramen offered to video her wedding for her. Bonus! Then, he didn't show up.... ack!

Susan said...

Sigh. Your wedding was much cooler than mine.

Rob the Webkahunah said...

I know I regret not being able to be there. Probably the only chance I'll ever have to be somebody's best man, and It was just too expensive.

Donna said...

LMBO, I have to chuckle at your wedding... you had MY photographer - although you can see mine sitting at the reception EATING in the pictures I got from friends because he didn't take any pictures of anyone - even after being given a list of those I wanted "family" shots of... then he left EARLY becasue he rode down with someone else... so he didn't even stay the whole time! Ha! I look back now and laugh.. but that was 14 years ago, one preemie born in an Italian hospital where ONE person spoke English... then transfered almost 2 hours away where even less people spoke English... it's all a big joke now about our wedding photo's - or lack there of...