It wouldn't be Housewife in Flip Flops if I didn't drop a big angsty post on y'all right before I leave you for a month and a half. (Mostly.)
I've got the baby fever angst again. That is to say, for my newer readers, part of me wants to get pregnant again, but a really loud part of me is saying ARE YOU CRAZY YOU IDIOT PREGNANCY DOES NOT BECOME YOU. And then the mommy part of me is all SHUT UP, I WANT A BABY, MY WOMB IS SO EMPTY THAT IT ECHOS. And then the other part of me is all NO YOU SHUT UP, GO READ YOUR JUNE-AUGUST 2006 ARCHIVES, IDIOT. I hadn't felt this for a while, but then all of my friends who were pregnant when I was pregnant with Ace done got pregnant again, and I'm slightly jealous.
I wanted to space my children around 2 years apart, meaning I should've been either pregnant or trying again right now. But I'm not. Cuz I'm scared. I'm really, really tired of the indecision and the fear. I've always regretted making decisions based on fear, so maybe during Lent I'll use my copious amounts of spare time to reflect (and maybe, pray... whoa!) on the things that are keeping me from trying to conceive, full steam ahead.
Wanna list? Lucky you!
1. I'm afraid of facing infertility again.
2. I'm afraid of losing another baby.
3. I'm afraid of having another baby prematurely (duuhhhh).
4. I'm afraid of another really, really repulsive post-pregnancy complication.
5. I'm afraid of being fat during pregnancy again.
6. I'm afraid of the idea of having a child with special needs AND having a newborn.
7. I'm afraid of being a really, really crappy newborn mother again.
1-4 are obviously uncontrollable, which is quite, quite hard for a control freak. They're also the most terrifying of all of my fears.
5 is not entirely uncontrollable, but it's not easy to lose weight. (I'm joining Weight Watchers some time this week, hopefully.)
6... well, I'm just not sure about that one. How do I balance Ace, therapy, possibly school and/or daycare, doctors' appointments, medicine, equipment... and a newborn?
7. I think that'll come down to mood stabilizers, and I'm not kidding. I hated myself during Ace's 1st 6 months or so. I think I'd be a little calmer now, maybe not so strict with a schedule and doing everything right, but I'd still have to deal with the horrible cow I become without sleep.
8. This one just seems stupid to me, but it's one of my genuine fears. I know a few people right now who are dead broke and happy about being pregnant, and that baffles me. I worry constantly about being able to afford Ace's future, and Drew makes good money. (Plus, we're on the fast track to being debt-free!)
Sharon said something on another post dealing with this subject that's really stuck with me: "...pregnancy is ALWAYS scary." This is so true. I'd really like to hang up that fear and get fixed so I can be done with fertility, but I think I'd regret it the moment I woke up from the surgery. I'd be really ticked at myself if I gave up my dreams of a gaggle of biological children (plus the later small football team of adopted children, a la Jolie-Pitt) because of fear.
Will nobody babysit so I can go to therapy? Please? Someone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
1 month ago