At a playgroup the other day, my friend Emma B. said, in talking about the long-running problem she's had with her knees, "I wish I didn't have to think about my knees all the time. You don't think about your knees. I wish I didn't have to."
I'm feeling the same about my fertility.
As soon as Drew and I got married, I got a bad case of the baby fever. I wanted and tried to get pregnant for an excruciatingly long time. I succeeded twice, only to lose the first one and give birth to the second one too early. Until Ace came along, getting pregnant was my absolute obsession.
Somewhere between Ace being born and coming home, I decided I didn't want another baby. Though it may seem obvious to all of you, I honestly don't know which of the many horrifying elements of my journey led me to this conclusion. It was probably everything, wrapped in the shiny shame I still feel at how terribly I handled having a newborn.
You'd think that my obsession with pregnancy would end with having a baby. Oh, no. Now it's a soul-crushing, mind-boggling, highly complicated obsession, which is multi-faceted:
1. Am I? My cycles are so jacked up that I never know what's going on, so I spend a long time toward the end of my cycle scared that I'm pregnant. I probably pee on two sticks every cycle.
2. Unrealistic Bargaining If we get $x in the savings account, I'll have another baby (usually a very high number well beyond our immediate reach). If I lose 50 pounds, I'll have another baby (I know darn good and well I'm not gonna lose 50 pounds).
3. Screw It, I'm Done. The most prevalent facet. I've picked up the phone to call my doctor to schedule a consultation for tubal ligation many, many times. I always hang up because of the occasional occurrence of:
4. Screw It, Let's DO This, which is always immediately followed by:
5. ARE YOU CRAZY??? This is hard, because I go from squishy warm feelings about pregnancy and newborns to the hole of depression that is my fertility history.
6. Higher Power Clarity Shall I tell you the signs God has given me showing that He just does not want me to be pregnant?
I've spent entirely too much of my marriage thinking about my fertility. Why can't I be one of those people who doesn't have to wonder all the darn time? I'm just so weary of all the questions, the uncertainty, the fear...
Please will somebody babysit so I can go back to my therapist. I miss her.
3 months ago
7 comments:
I don't think anyone could go through what you have been through and not be scared of pregnancy/attempting pregnancy again. Ace is such a blessing to you and if you don't want to put yourself through the emotions that you know would come with another try, I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. Pray for peace about it and you'll get it, I promise.
You are taking the words right out of my mouth as usual--I have been obsessed with this same topic for MONTHS now (peeing on sticks, like you, on a reg. basis--Pat Conroy once said, "Paranoia is sharper when the danger is real". So true.) I keep going back and forth on getting pregnant--people either tell me, "Every pregnancy is different and the next one will be fine." or "Don't you remember what happened last time? You aren't meant to be pregnant." Andy and I also talk about adoption all the time, too, so that puts a whole other spin on things--and more to worry about. I have NO IDEA what in the world to do. I have 1) worry about Landon, 2) fear for my life 3) fear of losing a new baby, 4) scared to let too much time go by and have more problems b/c of age....it never ends. So, just tell me what to do and I'll do it :o)
(ps. Ace is too cute--you HAVE to have another one ;o)
You could go to the baby store and pick on out of the catalogue. That's my imaginary plan, anyway. If I ever get the urge and sufficient amounts of beer don't cure it, I'll just pick one out of the catalogue.
Well said, Allison.
I've been down this road mentally, too (I know you know since you commented-thanks!)
As far as the fear goes, I'll share that the ends were worth the means, in my opinion. To begin with, I think pregnancy is ALWAYS scary. I know it's even worse after losing a baby.
Our 1st pregnancy was fine. Healthy boy who drives me crazy each day. ;) Our 2nd I miscarried at 16 weeks, when things were supposed to "safe". I thought I'd enver want to be pregnant again. I was livid. Then our 3rd pregnancy came along. I was a scared nutso, thinking every moment something was wrong. Then I was at true risk when I developed kidney stones and wound up in the hospital! I'm still not sure why God allwoed all that. Pregnancy after a loss should be easier, kwim?
Anyway, Brennan is here now and I cna't imagine life w/o him. I have forgotten much of the physical pain. Mentally, I am still healing.
It helps so much seeing the joy Aidan has in having a brother.
And here I am today imagining a thrid child one day.
I know God will lead you to the right answer. From my post the other day, along with the Readings in Church on Sunday, I feel God has given me peace as far as family planning goes. So I'm planning. ;)
He will do the same for you.
Sometimes I wonder what I'll obsess about after I'm done with the baby thing, whenever and however that might be. I can't quite fathom what it'll be like not to have that monkey on my back. And I didn't even have the trauma of a preemie to contend with, or any losses along the way -- that's heavy stuff to deal with, for sure, and I think this is a perfectly normal reaction.
Ultimately, you have to come to a conclusion that works in the short term, but also one that you won't look back at in twenty years and wish you'd done differently. Sometimes it's helpful to envision your ultimate goals and work backwards from there, rather than to start with the scary parts of pregnancy and birth.
I think Mayberry is correct that time, and prayer, and possibly counseling, are key ingredients of a good decision.
I lost baby #1 at 14 weeks. 2 months later, I became pregnant with TWINS. I was 22 and had no idea pre-eclampsia could have killed my dumb @$$. I got an IUD before they hit a year old. Guess what? 2 years later, I miscarry WITH the IUD. I had it removed and used no contraception for the next 4 years. Then God Laughed.
The boys were 'planned' in that we knew we wanted a kid-the twins thing was just amazing. The girl? Well..she's my sunshine and miracle-she started trying to arrive at 4 months, so bedrest and drugs, here we come for the next 4 months. At 37 weeks I had a section since my cervix never ever figured out what DILATE means.
I think I would have to use something tho-peeing on a stick twice a month costs more than the pill. And it would regulate your cycles, if that's a problem.
I had a hysterectomy before Morgan turned 2. Now, rarely, sometimes, maybe, I wonder what it would have been like to have one more. Then I realize how much more tired I would be now and thank God for my 3.
~:>
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