My neighbor is a SUPER sweet lady and I love her to pieces. She does this thing that kinda bugs me though, and I wonder if it's a standard parental habit. It seems like she's telling her 3-year-old daughter what to do every 2 seconds.
Last night, they visited my house. I answered the door, and the little girl just marched right in. "Don't do that!" I thought it was funny, especially since she was all dressed up and was totally adorable. She wanted to play with the cat. "Don't touch that cat!" I don't care if she touches my cat. She has a cat, she knows what to do with them. She saw one of Ace's toys and started to play with it. "Don't touch Ace's toys! Those aren't yours!" I don't care if she touches Ace's toys. They're toys. When she went to leave, I started to give her some candy and she asked for a particular kind. "Don't do that! You take what she gives you!" Then, she walked out, stood there for a second, then ran back in because she'd forgotten a little prop on her costume. "Don't just run back in there like that! What are you doing! You shouldn't have forgotten that!"
She's not yelling or anything, no mean voice, just little admonishments. CONSTANT little admonishments. After spending a few minutes with her, though, I start to feel a little defensive for the girl. I don't want to undermine her authority or anything by telling her she can play with my cat or take whatever candy she wants, so I just don't say anything. She's the mom.
Now, there are extraordinarily well behaved almost zombie-like 3-year-olds, and there are wild, hateful, uncontrollable 3-year-olds. This little girl falls somewhere in the middle - she's full of attitude, but she's never done anything especially bad that I've seen... nothing outside the realm of normal 3-year-old behavior. Thing is, she doesn't listen to ANYTHING that her mom says. She stayed in the house, kept playing with the cat and the toy, got the candy she wanted, etc.
She also doesn't listen when she really should. If she's running towards the street and her dad says stop, she just keeps on truckin'. If she runs outside half naked and screaming and someone tells her not to, she does it anyway. Part of me wonders if the constant admonishments fall on deaf ears - when she's doing fairly normal things and gets fussed at, how's she going to know when she really ought to listen for her own good? Does it become white noise eventually?
Is this something that most parents do?
3 months ago
17 comments:
I know some folks like that. Got some cousins who have been raised the exact same way. The difference is the lack of consequences behind the admonishments. If there's no reinforcement to do what she's told, why bother?
If my dad had told me not to touch a cat and I did it anyway, I guarantee you that after he was done with me I wouldn't touch a cat to this day. He didn't gives us orders often, but he was serious enough when he did that even if we were just being annoying and he told us to stop, we stopped.
And for the record, I can only recall getting two spankings in my life. Spankings were for serious crimes and I knew better than to let it get that far!
Maybe she dealt with one of those old ladies who freak around little kids and she was still jumpy. You know, the "Here's some candyDON"TTOUCHTHAT!!!" type.
guilty
I think you were right about the white noise effect. But I will say this, little boy is now four years old and once he gets something in his mind you have to physically step between him and whatever is in his sights, to get him to listen to you. I think it is just the age, they are more independant and headstrong.
I agree much has to do w/ the age.
I'm guilty, too. I hate it. I don't necessarily want to tell Aidan what to do, it's more that I'm not that comfortable in others' homes, not knowing what is OK for him to do or not do there. If I know the people well, that's a different story. But if it's someone I don't know well, or a house w/o kids, then I have to stay on top of him.
I can't lie...I do it too. It's just that....I want my kid to respect others and other's things...respect that they work hard for them and know to ask, say thank you, and truly appreciate that no one HAS to do things for her...but they do. Of course, it doesn't always work...but I have to say my child is much more tolerable, most of the time, than many others I've been around.
I just don't want my kid to be the one that NO ONE wants to be around....
Yeah, I see what y'all mean, especially Sharon and Alice. I would want Ace to be on his very best behavior in other people's houses too, and would probably be hyper-vigilant. And Alice, I don't want Ace to be the kid nobody wants to be around either, the one everyone looks at and says "boy his mom screwed him up."
Alright. Just one of those things parents do. Got it!
I don't have kids but I witnessed this same behavior at City Park one Sat. My friend and I were drawing nearby the playground and EVERY parent was telling their child what NOT to do or how they weren't doing it right, when it seemed to us all the kids should have been doing was playing. It got really stressful to hear these parents.
Finally, we saw this one mother with about 6 kids (not all hers) in tow, heading for the ice cream stand. They went in, got ice cream, and then as they were coming out, we heard her say," OH, Jimmy, You got ice cream all down your front!" We cringed, waiting for the criticism, and we heard, "Oh well, that's what napkins and washers are for. Let's go down to the pond and look at the ducks!"
About 10 minutes later, we were packing up to go, when all 6 kids came sprinting past us (Mom running behind)with their hands flailing up in the air, all of them hollering, "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!! THE DUCKS ARE AFTER US!!!! RAH-AH-AH-AW-AW"
So we decided to join in the mayhem, because that was the most fun we had seen all afternoon. The look on that mom's face, when 2 strangers ran past her, hollering "THE DUCKS!! THE DUCKS!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!", was priceless. We all understood that it's supposed to be fun to be a kid. Yeah, sometimes you have to be proper, but not all the time...
Ugh! I hate parents like that. Not a parent, but with 20 nephews and nieces whom I've played extra parent to, I think I've earned the 2 cents. Anyway, saying "no" all the time kind of makes "no" lose all meaning. As for the "don't touch that" stuff, I think she should've just had the girl ask to play with the toy, pet the cat, etc.
Asking people for things is NOT a bad habit! Jeez! As long as, of course, you know the limits of what you can ask for. Like, "Hey, Stacey, could you FedEx me your kid?" is probably out of bounds. hehe
You know, this is one of my biggest peeves with the way Silverfox's mom treats CJ. Whenever he does anything, it seems, she's right there telling him not to do it. Just the other day, he went to sit on the hood of my car (something he and I do all the time while waiting for his mom) and she was all "boy, you better not be sitting on that car!" as soon as she was out of sight he did it anyway, and I joined him.
Me, I reserve the "stop" thing for when he does something really stupid or dangerous, so he knows I'm serious when I say it. So far Silverfox is fairly impressed that he always listens to me when I tell him not to do something...
i do the same thing b/c i don't want the diva being rude or disrespectful. some people "expect" you to say it. other loving, kind souls like yourself don't mind a child in exploring in their house.
believe me, the diva can tear some stuff up! LOL!!! :)
My toes hurt.....
Got to agree with Alice though - I just don't want Mini-me to be the kid that everybody hates to see coming. Plus, she's got some of her dad's personality that I feel is my duty to discipline out of her. Seriously, I know you can't change a child's personality, but you can dang sure change behavior patterns and I don't want to raise a brat. Plus, I get nervous with Mini-me at other peoples homes. She's pretty destructive at times.
There have got to be times that you pick your battles. Just so long as they know...There's a time for play, but when it's over I'm the parent and what I say goes, b/c those are the rules that I just made up. I try to explain to Aidan WHY I ask her not to do things. I.E. rub her icky fingers all over someone's glass door....Maybe, just MAYBE they worked hard to clean it...and then I let her try to clean it....She'll say, "Man, dat's hard work." and she'll think before she does it again...I'm just sayin'. (hehe)
as hard as it is to perfect, i must recommend positive reinforcement.. read karen pryor's "don't shoot the dog".. it's a great guide to getting animals (which include people!) to do what you want without you yelling.. guaranteed to work on cats, sea lions, kids.. anything with a brain!
By not wanting your kid to be "the one nobody wants to be around", you're making yourself the parent nobody wants to be around. Most of the time, you're the only one bothered by what your kid is doing. Everyone else thinks it's cute. When my kid cries in church, I get all embarrassed and annoyed and try to get him to stop. When my friend's kid cries, I smile and laugh. People want to be around kids, and it's not because they don't get into other people's stuff.
If it's not dangerous and he isn't doing any damage to life or property, I let Ignatius have a lot of free rein. He's learning something every time he touches a cat or a ball or the rocks in the driveway or a pile of dirt in the backyard. I want "no" to mean something, so I try to use it sparingly. Of course, the same parents who tell their kids "no" all the time aren't backing it up with any consequences anyway, even when it is a serious matter, so good luck when they're 15.
I think it does. And I think Susan is right. All those admonishments with no teeth.
It's cute UNTIL a certain age. People laugh until a certain age....and then at say....5-18, other people don't want to be around them. I don't have to yell to get my point across, but we are constantly being praised at her manners, respect and all-around discipline...
I certainly have to say...I don't want other people's kid coming over tearing up my stuff when my OWN child doesn't do it. By a certain age, say 4-5, a child should know not to run around an older home with very breakable things and hang from the stair bannisters.
I'm just sayin'....hehe
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