A note to Hollywood

I know I'm really a Metairieian Hoosier, but deep down I'm a New Orleanian. Y'all sure can spew out some crap about New Orleans.

More specifically, I'm gonna talk to you about K-Ville. I'm giving it a shot because I reallyreally miss New Orleans and love seeing the shots of home, but this show is really unforgivably bad. Except Cole Hauser is man candy. Well done.

I will ignore the blatant geographical misrepresentations of my city. I know that certain scenes require certain shots, and you can't really do a high speed chase through the Quarter, so sometimes you need to jump on over to the Westbank for a good shot. Maybe you were taking a detour and going through River Ridge to get to the airport instead of taking the interstate like everyone else. Aaaand maybe the airport wasn't open that day, so you decided to go to the convention center and say it was the airport, making it credible by computer-generating a plane flying really low overhead. I'll let that ride.

Please stop with the constant cultural references... we just don't talk about them every 5 minutes. Sometimes, when I lived in New Orleans, I could go a whole day without talking about gumbo, Mardi Gras, cypress trees, or my mama'nem.

For heaven's sake, the ACCENTS. Do NOT fake them. You can't do it. If you want authentic New Orleanian accents, hire New Orleanian actors. There are lots of them. Barring that possibility, at least make your actors hang out with some New Orleanians for a few months, or maybe someone from Kenner. I'm sure my Aunt Lynn would host an actor - now that woman has an accent. A real Southern accent will suffice, but please don't slap some guy from Seattle in the role and tell him to drawl every other word. No, not "evruh utha woid." Every other word. We don't drawl. We talk very quickly, because we're always on our way uptown to a second line with a bowl of red beans made by our mama'nem from down in da parish.

We say "y'all." Do it. Write it into the script.

"Noo Or Lenz" or "Noo Or Lee Inz." Not "N'awlins," "Ne'allins" or "Noo Or Leeenz." No, never. No, not even you. Occasionally an entertainer will pronounce it in one of the forbidden ways for the purpose of dramatic flair, and that's okay. If you're Kermit Ruffins, you can do that. You're not. Stick with "Noo Or Lenz."

I'm just trying to help. I'll be your consultant if you want.

So what does Hollywood do to misrepresent YOUR neck of the woods? I could go nuts with Mississippi, but that kinda goes without saying.