Kitty correspondence

Dear kitties:

As you know, the newest addition has been nigh unable to control. He likes crawling everywhere, especially toward your food and water bowls because they're shiny and he knows he's not supposed to go near them. Unfortunately, this means I will have to be moving the bowls to the same room as your litter box so the we've already installed can keep him out. Mostly. I hope this is not too much of an inconvenience to you.

Thanks,
Mommy

Dear Mommy,
Duhhh, okay. I'm a big fat bubba kitty. Give me snuggles and tuna too, okay? Okay? Okay?
Love, Pez

Dear woman that is not Daddy,
Fine. Just. Don't. TOUCHME. Get out of my face. I want Daddy.
Regards, Louie

Woman,
Oh, that's cool. But could you stop cursing me when I'm singing at 3 in the morning? My real father doesn't like it.
Nimbus

Female human minion,
Oh, heeeeeeelllllllll no.

Listen, I was here first. I was JUST FINE in my little apartment in El Segundo, till y'all had to go and screw that up and bring those two idiots into my crib. I agreed to tolerate them when you bought me a nice water filter for my water bowl, but TOLERATE them, no more. I'll never like them. THEN, you brought me all the way across the country to this humid, scorching hot hole. My hair + humidity = I'm seriously annoyed. I am a California girl. Oh, and all this tile? You need to start getting with the carpeting, people.

Then. THEN! You bring that devil spawn cat into the house, all flea ridden and skinny. DID YOU ASK IF I WANTED ANOTHER BROTHER. I didn't. But no, you didn't ask me.

THEN, to add insult to injury, you spawned yet another annoyance that looks oddly enough just like the other bald, deep-voiced male human minion in the house. There are only so many times that I can leave the room when he starts crying; one of these days so help me Sphinx I WILL poop on him.

Quit pointing the sprayer bottle at me when those scrubs-wearing minions come to the house and mess with him. They're obviously torturing him because he cries every time they're here, I want to see how they do it. And quit spraying me when I bite him, HE ENTERED MY SPACE BUBBLE. I do not care if he didn't touch me. Space. Bubble. Learn it, tiny minion.

You know what, I don't need a UTI to pee on your bed. I'll do it anyway. Keep screwing with me. You know what? Although I know where the food and water bowls are, I'm still gonna walk around the kitchen meowing like I'm hungry. Even when you pick me up, which you know I hate, and bring me to the bowls, I'm still gonna run back to the kitchen and run around your feet. This is where the bowls GO. Not in there, next to my toilet. GOSH, do you want to eat in the bathroom? IN HERE. Learn it.

Unfortunately yours,
Stella