This time last year

This time last year, I was stoned out of my gourd on Stadol, praying for my contractions to stop.

I asked my mom if it's okay that it's painful for me to remember Ace's birth and the preceding days. I've cried so many times over the past few days, remembering and trying not to remember the sheer terror of the day I went into the hospital, and the pain and fear and sadness I went through and feeling like a total failure. I was so confused by everyone who was so happy and congratulatory on the day Ace was born - my little boy was so incredibly sick that I didn't understand why everyone else wasn't as scared and shell-shocked as I was.

My wonderful mommy says that I have to try to make it into two separate things in my mind; the birth of Ace - my wonderful, amazing son - and the complications surrounding his birth. I can mourn the loss of a perfect ending to my pregnancy and the loss of a normal infancy for my son, while still celebrating the day he was born. I know that moms like to tell the stories of their kids' births on their kids' birthdays, but I'm going to have a hard time putting a positive spin on the whole thing.

My sweet little boy is turning one tomorrow.