Long, sad post

I really need prayer, if y'all wouldn't mind. My first baby (the one I lost due to having an ectopic pregnancy) would have been turning two right around now and the depression is hitting me harder than it has since the baby died. The major anniversaries that make me sad are October 21st, the day that the baby died, and late June, when his or her birthday would have been. I've been sad around those times ever since, but this time it's really hitting me very, very hard. I've been taking it out really bad on Drew and he's got enough stress to deal with. I've been wanting to cut myself like I used to and/or run away, just to try to escape the awful, heinous black cloud hovering over my head.

I walked around in a really bad mood yesterday after Drew and I got into a minor argument, and then I heard the song Love Song by Third Day and had to sit down because I started crying so hard. I'll post the lyrics, but it's basically a song from Jesus to us explaining the depth of his love for us. I listened to that song while I was pregnant and realized that was pretty much exactly how I felt for my baby. Ever since my baby died, that song has made me sad, even given the positive message within. The part where he sings "Just to be with you, I would do anything, I would give my life away" hits me the hardest. Before the doctor gave me the medicine, I had briefly considered running away, sitting somewhere and dying with my baby, even knowing that if I didn't end my pregnancy, neither my baby nor I would live. I hadn't heard the song in a long time, so hearing it yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks. I was really, really angry with Drew even given how minor the argument was, and it was like the baby was telling me not to be mad at Daddy.

I was listening to the music player on my stepmom's blog and the song Angel by Sarah McLachlan came on. I hadn't been listening closely to the songs, it was just playing in the background, but for some reason I started listening just as she sang "You're in the arms of the angel/May you find some comfort here" and I started crying uncontrollably again. That was the impetus for this post. (Don't feel bad, Vicki!!! I love you!)

I've not felt this emotionally out of control in a VERY long time. I'm going to stick it out a little longer, knowing that it's the time of year that's causing my pain, but if I don't get to feeling better soon or if I start getting self-destructive I'm going to head to the doctor and get on some anti-depressants, Tom Cruise be darned. I could just really use y'all's prayers in the meantime while I mourn my baby and try to get my emotions under control.

And now that I've dominated an entire page talking about my overwhelming emotional crisis, let's talk about praying for Ace, kay? His appointment with the neurologist is tomorrow morning, and while I don't think it'll be all that stressful for him since it's probably just an evaluation, I'd like the neurologist to just brush us off and say there's nothing wrong with Ace and to come back when there are some real issues to worry about.

Here is some information on ectopic pregnancies. And now a quick PSA - I know a lot of people don't understand the profundity of a pregnancy loss because they're so common - miscarriages are more common than ectopic pregnancies, but no less devastating. I also think that a lot of people think "out of sight, out of mind" when it comes to pregnancies. Please, people, when you come across a woman who has just lost her pregnancy, please don't dole out the platitudes. No woman wants to hear stuff like "It was God's plan," "Maybe there was something wrong with the baby," "It just wasn't your time," or worst of all "Well, it wasn't a real baby." And for goodness' sake, don't ask when the woman is going to try again, as if she's just lost a game of chess instead of her child. Just tell them how sorry you are, tell them you're there if they need to talk or if they need anything, and then let THEM talk if they need to.

Let me say though, if you've said any of the above platitudes, we know you mean well, but it really doesn't help.

Here are the lyrics to Third Day's Love Song:

I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done
I've never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of Calvary

Just to be with you, I'd do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'd give anything
I would give my life away

I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It can never be done
I've never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea

Just to be with you, I'd do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'd give anything
I would give my life away

I know that you don't understand the fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know you don't realize how much that I gave you
But I promise, I would do it all again

Just to be with you, I did everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away