Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Oh dear heavens

I just realized... between my heightened temper because of my lack of sleep and a pending visit to The Barbara (my mother-in-law, for you non-regular-readers), this could be a really horrible weekend indeed. Very few people in my life inspire aggravation in me like The Barbara. Maybe it's best that I drop Drew and Ace off in Slidell on Friday and make my merry way to Metairie to go shopping. That gift certificate to Restoration Hardware isn't going to spend itself. And that portobello mushroom and goat cheese pizza at Whole Foods (ay, papi) isn't going to eat itself. And dude, Brocato's is back open... I totally have a plan.

I've had major anxiety at the thought of facing The Barbara again. If you've never met her, you couldn't understand. If you've never married or procreated with her only son, the light of her world, the man to whom she has shrines in nearly every room (n'est-ce pas, Emily et Cristi??), there's no way in this world you could understand. If she criticized literally everything I did before (once, I didn't microwave a sandwich long enough for her liking... even though *I* was the one eating the sandwich), I can't imagine what she'll be like when I, who can literally do nothing right, attempt to care for my son in front of her. "You're changing his diaper NOW? You're feeding him with THAT bottle? You dressed him in THAT?"


Yes, folks, I think I have a plan. One concocted in the last 5 minutes, so I have to clear it with Drew.

What am I gonna do when Ace gets older? I want him to spend time with her, but I just can't handle being around her. I'm not a pushover by any means, and in this case, I really wish I could be one. Under the barrage of constant (and I do mean constant) criticism, I just can't help myself - I snap back.

I hope that with age, I'll be able to hold my tongue, because I'll never fight with her in front of Ace. I want him to have the love of all of his grandmas, unimpeded by his strong-willed mother. I would never let her put me down in front of him, or subject him to the crap she's heaped on me, but barring that, I just want him to have a relationship with her. If that means Ace only goes to see her with Drew, that's fine. Mommy's not going camping with him, either, so I guess he'll be okay.


Anonymous said...

Ick! She sounds horrible! Even when you snap at her, she doesn't stop criticizing? I vote for going shopping! Fun!!!

cncz said...

If it makes you feel any better, my mother and her mother did not get along. I did get some backlash from that (I got treated like a junior version of my mother) but when my grandmother died I knew she loved me. In fact, no matter what fights we had or what was said, the very last thing she told me was that she was proud of me, and she gave me 100 dollars that she had saved. I am sure the Barbara will find a way to make things clear to Ace. I know Emily could say the same about Oma too regardless of Oma's relationship with her mom. I really do think things will be fine on the Ace getting grandma lovin front. Furthermore, how could Barbara not want to eat him up, he's like a mini Drew, she can relive all the shrine making and start all over again.

cncz said...

I have to add so that there is no confusion that I believe Ace is a separate and distinct person with a separate and distinct personality. He just looks like Drew's Mini Me, but definitely your nose (I saw a picture and I was like, "ooh Stacey's genetic input"), so the look is what I was alluding to and I think will be irrestible to the Barbara.

Lauren said...

I vote that when you get to The Barbara's house, you load up a tranquilizer gun with a dart - not enough to knock her out, just enough to mellow her - and then when she opens the door, you shoot her with it. Then you let her play with Ace for a while, drool a bit, then set her up on the couch for a nice nap, and leave. Bring a polaroid so you can leave behind photos of the two of them together in case she doesn't remember when she wakes up.