Thursday, July 13, 2006

Filing a complaint

I know that I've heaped such praise on Drew in the past few weeks that I've started to sound a little Stepford Wife-ish, but I'd like to file a formal complaint with the Board of Husbands. Somebody get me their e-mail address.

A couple of nights ago, he made the worst mistake, ever. Even worse than that time he dated a bisexual atheist (I know, random, right?). Worse than that time he bought a car with no power anything (manual LOCKS? Come on) because he wanted the blue car instead of the green one. Yes, worse than that.

He chose to tell me, his clinically arachnaphobic wife, that pregnant spiders can basically explode into a billion baby spiders if you step on them. That they carry them on their backs, and if you step on the mama spider, you won't kill the baby spiders and they'll crawl all over you.

I have not been this horrified since that time that Lauren told me that red ants, in a flood situation, will like hold hands or something in the water and make this giant ball and will attach themselves to anything with which they come into contact, and crawl all over it until they hit the surface. As if I weren't scared enough of being caught in a flood.

Now, whenever I step on a rock, a twig, heck, even a leaf, I let out a little shriek and I jump to the side and imagine a billion baby spiders biding their time on my flip-flop till they can get to my nice, meaty, biteable foot. And to think, I had just built up the courage to kill spiders in my home. Back to the old put-a-cup-over-it-till-Drew-gets-home trick.

Please, please someone tell me that my husband was lying. I'd rather think that he risked my trust than think that spiders can really do this.

Also, please leave a comment if you're willing to take Ace camping. I tell you, it will NEVER happen, and I feel a little sorry for my little boy.


Vicki said...

Well, Sugarplum, Drew ain't tellin' lies. (I know for certain that Wolf spiders do that.) Just trust me on that or I'll have to give you more nightmares. And I'd be delighted to take the little fella camping. Teach him about bugs...;)

Love you!

Lauren said...

Spiders freak me out too. I go with the assumption that if you can fully cover the spider with your foot, then you've also fully covered any potential spider babies, and you should be able to kill them all as long as you really make sure to squish them good. Tips on doing this: always wear smooth-soled shoes for spider squashing (no treads they can sneak into), then squish, twist, twist the other way, twist again, then release.

Emma in Canada said...

I recently read about this in a blog where she said the baby spiders went running everywhere. I asked my hubby (Australian, so I consider him a spider experteven though he is not) and he said yes, that some spiders do carry their egg sac with them but the chances of baby spider survival isn't always great.

They keep me from camping, as well as going down to the basement for anything other than laundry purposes.

cncz said...

You can definitely count on my husband for anything involving the great outdoors as well as marathons, biathalons, triathalons, swimming, mountain bike riding...but he is still an engineer, and nearsighted.

But only on one condition, that when I come visit I get to chew on his wrinkly baby feet and hands and smell that freshly bathed, slathered in baby lotion baby smell. Drew already gave the ok but I do not have the Mommy's ok.

Brou HahHah said...

Happened to me IN THE KITCHEN!! Had to drown 'em al with a bottle of water. They don't move fast, so you have response time. And the spiders here won't bite you, unless they're a rich brown. Or have some red in them.

And yes, I'd take the young man camping. But you know, you guys can camp in the backyard. Make a little fire, set up the tent for him to play in. Then, when it's late, and until he gets older, bring him inside and tuck him into his bed.

Now, if you're talking roughing it, he's got a while to wait for that.

shiksa said...

Um, I don't do camping or spiders, but I will be glad to take you to the spa while someone else kills the spiders and their offspring. This is all I have to offer, unless it's a cockroach in which case, you have the use of my ginormous shoes.

Rachel said...

AAAGH! [chills] ew! I don't do spiders. The hubs has to come kill them, even if they're on the ceiling and he has to get a ladder. EEEW!

Melinda Barton said...

Remind me not to tell you about my hiking in the rainforest/giant spider story. You'd never sleep again.

oscar said...

I'll still be camping by the time he's old enough. I learned all my skillzz in the Boy Scouts.