Friday, March 03, 2006

Probably happens to every mom

Look, I know I didn't invent pregnancy. I know I'm not the first one to have these feelings. I always thought it was a little silly when other pregnant women said the things I'm about to say, and here I go.

Yesterday, when I was hearing my baby's heart thump along at a healthy 160 beats per minute, something changed. I've seen my kid 3 times on ultrasound now, but there's something strange about just hearing the baby instead of seeing and hearing it. Perhaps it's the lack of visual stimuli, the fact that I have to imagine my baby, swimming around, but something definitely changed.

I think I had some moment of epiphany that there's actually a living, breathing human being inside of me. Yes, I've known that all along, and I've been happy about it all along, but it's seriously just blowing my mind right now that I'm growing something - not just some THING, a PERSON. Part me, part Drew, all baby. Maybe the wall I've had built up because I've been scared to feel anything for my baby but primal protection just dropped, but something totally changed yesterday.

I tried to express this to Drew last night, and it was an abysmal failure. He just looked at me like I was a little crazy. I asked him why he doesn't talk to my belly, and he said "Well, I wouldn't know what to say. Hi, Mr. Belly?" I just went back to staring at my belly in awe, and sending thoughts of love to the baby.

Mom came back to our house a couple of days ago with a stroller and a car seat, with the perfect pattern, perfect color, perfect system, everything. (Yes, I know I'm only 15 weeks along, but honestly, I'm surprised my mom waited this long.) I was playing with the car seat, and it dawned on me that in 6 months, MY CHILD will be sitting in that car seat, hopefully sleeping.

I guess that before, I just felt like Drew does now. Yeah, crazy lady, there's a kid inside there, did I need to explain that to you? Now, I'm actually saying things that I've heard every single pregnant woman say, and wondering why everyone doesn't feel the same awe that I feel.

I really, really want fried mozzarella sticks.


Becca said...

You are going to be an awesome mom!

Melinda Barton said...

First, you've seen this baby 3 times yet I have only one pic. Why? Second, it's completely normal. Pregnancy is an awesome thing. I'm just glad I never have to go through it. Third, Drew has probably been just as frightened as you and needs time for that epiphany to pop in. You actually have the baby in your body and all the pregnancy hormones, so it's easier for you. Soon enough, he'll be doing what I did when my ex was preggers. (In absense of "real" father who'd flown the coop, I was daddy.) I'd leave weird messages for the child on her answering machine! Okay, sometimes I told him to kick her b/c she was being hormonal. But mostly I told him what to expect from leaving the womb and all the things we could do together once we snuck away from overprotective mommy. She was at her mom's for a while after the birth, where I was unwelcome even on the phone. So, I missed his first few months. But the first time he heard my voice, he recognized me and reached for me. From what I'd heard, he hated being held by anyone "new" and never reached for anyone but mommy. Yeah, he knew who his daddy was. Okay, this is all top secret and not to be shared with anyone. I am not a sentimental goober.

Christine said...

Hey, how come I haven't got a picture at all?

Seriously, though, Drew may NEVER react in any way close to your reaction. Nate is the best father in the world (sorry, Drew, you'll be hard-pressed to prove otherwise), and yet he was not really as excited as me when the girls were still roasting in the oven. Now that might have been because I tuckered him out what with the H.G., but I really think it's a Mommy thing.

Mind you, he'd walk through fire for those girls, and he loves them tremendously. But Daddy love and Mommy love are really different. And he knows it. His is a deep love that makes him want to protect them. Mine is deep and, at the same time, quite fierce. I carried them under my heart for six years each...I mean, nine months each. I felt them moving and kicking and squirming. Nothing makes you feel quite the same as that.

And I agree, by the way, about the heartbeat thing. I think I dissolved into tears the first time I heard my older daughter's heartbeat. I was so grateful to hear it and so thrilled that she was still okay!

God bless you, Stacey. I'm keeping you in my prayers.