La Reina de Ridgeland

After church a couple weeks ago, Drew and I went out to lunch. Usually, we go to Buffalo Wild Wings afterwards, but desiring something new and different, we went to a restaurant nearby that offers "Casual New Orleans Dining." It wasn't Lucky Cheng's, but we were certainly accosted by a big ol' queen that also happened to be our waiter.

I will change his name for privacy purposes, but I will say first that it's a name that I've always loved and I plan on naming my second son, but for goodness' sakes, this guy made me rethink the name. Let's just call him Bryan.

It started out innocently enough. Bryan came to our table, asked for our drink orders, asked if we needed a few minutes, just like any other dine-in experience. Then, he noticed my tragus piercing and somehow, that was the end of our tranquility. We talked about piercings, and within 3 minutes of making this man's acquaintance, I learned that his nipples, tongue, belly button, and like 5 places in his left ear were pierced. That's okay - I've broken a lot of ice with a lot of people by talking about my piercings, especially the tragus.

Suffice it to say, that was definitely the end of all niceties. This boy was tremendously amusing, but in a sad plea for attention kind of way. He cussed like a sailor - so much so that once he walked away to leave us in blessed silence and Drew called him "Cussy McShutTheF***Up." (And Drew doesn't cuss much.) Every time he would come to our table, we'd be told about all of his old jobs and how he quit one of them because his "a**hole of an ex-boyfriend" worked there. And oh, what a ***** his co-worker at this restaurant is, but her boyfriend is SO HOT. And my word, how he hates French people, but he loves their chocolate. And he went to high school with a bunch of rednecks whose daddies paid for everything - but did you see "my Diesel pants that my dad bought for me in Dallas? He's so loaded! These pants were a hundred and twenty bucks!" (Drew's comment after Bryan traipsed away - "He paid about $118 too much for them.")

Folks, our story doesn't end there. We had to get our bill. Drew put down the Discover card (cash back, don'tchaknow) but Bryan told us they don't take Discover. We shrugged and pulled out the bank card - but not before Bryan said that Drew was SO sleeping on the couch for not pulling out the right card. Then, when we were about to walk off, Drew joked about just taking the bill and not tipping Bryan, and Bryan said something to the effect of "I'll papercut your neck." Hooboy.

As we were walking out, I realized that between laughing and lots of water, I had to go to the bathroom. I snuck back into the restaurant from the veranda James Bond style, praying that Bryan wouldn't jump me again. Thankfully, we were both able to make it in and out without further assault.

This poor kid was trying so hard to be funny. And he was, but in a laughing-at-you kind of way - probably not what he intended. Don't worry, looking past the death threats to my husband and the insults to an entire country that is very dear to me, I tipped him well. I felt too sorry for him not to. I'm sure he won't be at that job long.