Monday, January 27, 2014

Ugh, oysters.

Man, I freaking hate oysters.  They have GOT to be the worst food.  So gross.  Taste, texture, all of it, buuu-HARF.

Since I hate oysters, everyone should hate oysters and anyone who does like them is wrong.  Just read the Bible!  Eating them is a Levitical sin.  It goes completely against my way of life of eating tasty animals because watching one of Those People eat an oyster just makes me sick to my stomach.  And don't get me started on OYSTER BARS, where oyster-lovers flaunt their gluttonous sin in front of regular, God-fearing people.  And how many serious hand injuries have happened in those oyster bars while shucking, hmm?  The love of oysters is clearly dangerous and unnatural.

People are not born to like oysters because eating oysters is a sin and God doesn't make mistakes.  It's got to be due to some childhood trauma, like an older sibling forcing them to eat boogers resulting in some kind of Stockholm Syndrome.  Or, even worse, being exposed to oyster lovers.  How could I possibly explain to my child that people like oysters?  He, himself, will never like oysters because I will raise him knowing the truth that oysters are disgusting.

Now, we mustn't judge oyster lovers.  Love the sinner, hate the sin.  But I should be allowed to exercise my religious freedom and deny an oyster lover housing or employment because I absolutely disagree with their lifestyle.  Oyster lovers shouldn't be in any kind of leadership position over children because one of them might offer a child an oyster.  We CERTAINLY shouldn't allow oyster lovers to marry each other and spread the oyster-loving agenda!  What if they succumb to the aphrodisiac properties of an oyster binge and create a child who grows up to love oysters?

Do I sound ridiculous?  Well, so do you if you're against equal rights for LGBT people.  Get on the right side of history, y'all.



(Oysters really are gross though.)

3 comments:

Addie K Martin said...

Oh I love how you just flipped that script at the end. Well done, my lady. :)

PS - I will take your share of oysters in this life time and the next one.

Addie K Martin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RichaTee said...

I despise Oysters, but my love for God's people won't allow me to judge them for finding happiness according to our Constitution. Civil rights for all!