Sunday, July 25, 2010


Drew and I were in charge of the toddler room at church a few weeks ago, with the help of two other women. Since Drew and I are AWESOME, this meant we blew bubbles all over the carpet and danced with the kids and spun them around and stuffed cookies down their throats while Mrs. Boring and Mrs. Snooze sat in the tiny chairs and gossiped. A very shy little girl came up to me at one point with her hand on her crotch and a look of desperation in her eye, so I asked the obvious. "Do you need to potty, sweetheart?" She nodded with extra desperation so we took off. What happened next blew my mind.

She walked in the restroom.
She pulled down her underwear.
She climbed on the toilet.
She did her business.
She wiped.
She hopped off.
She pulled up her underwear.
She washed her hands.
She walked out of the room, making sure to turn the light off on the way out.

It was all so... simple. So quick. I'm not used to this. Here's what I'm used to.

Scene: Ace is in his bedroom delaying naptime AT ALL COSTS. He knows not to get out of bed without permission. So...

Ace: "Maaaama, I have to go potty."
Me: "Okay buddy, coming."
Ace: "Maaaamaaaa, I have to go potty."
Me: "I'm on my way, son."
Ace: "Maaaamaaaaa, I have to go potty REAL BAD."
Me: "Ace, I'm three inches from your do-"
Ace: "Maaaamaaa, I have to go po- hey Mama."
Me: "Hey buddy, let's go."
Ace: "Where were you?"
Me: "In the kitchen."
Ace: "What were you doing?"
Me: "Dishes. Let's go."
Ace: "Oh, okay."

Scoot toward edge of bed.
Stop to rattle bed rails. Rattle. Rattle.
Scoot. Rattle.
Stop to inspect fingernails.

Me: "Son, get a move on."
Ace: "Oh, okay."
Scoot. Scoot. Rattlerattlerattle. "Son..."
Scoot. Slide off bed. Walk toward door.
Stop to inspect fingernails. Open dresser drawer, inspect contents. Close drawer.
Walk through the door.

Ace: "What's that?"
Me: "It's a grey spot on the carpet."
Ace: "Why?"
Me: "Because it's... what do you mean why?"
Ace: "Where did it come from?"
Me: "It's always been there."
Ace: "Oh, okay."

Walk into bathroom.
Turn on overhead light.
Turn on the lights above the mirror.
Turn on the vent.
Turn off the vent and the overhead light.
Turn off the lights above the mirror, turn on the overhead light.
Nod, satisfied.

Walk toward the toilet.
Stop to inspect nails.
Look up, realize there's a handsome devil in the mirror, stop to make faces.
"Ace, go."
"Oh, okay."

Walk toward toilet.
Pull down pants and underwear.
Stop to inspect toenails.
Stand up, put up toilet seat.
Scoot in, start to do business.
Wiggle butt so the stream, while ephemeral, is also artful.

Pull 18 pieces of toilet paper off the roll, one square at a time.
Dab dab dab. Dab. Dab dab dab. Dab dab. ...dab.
Put 18 pieces of toilet paper into the toilet, one square at a time.
Each time a piece of toilet paper goes into the toilet, yell "HEY! It's melting!"

Become mesmerized by flushing.
Forget to take hand off handle.
Flush. Flush. Flush. "Ace, stop flushing." "Oh, okay."

Pull up underwear.
Pull up pants.
Walk toward sink. "Did you forget something?" "Oh."
Walk back to toilet. Put seat down.

Walk out the door. "Uh, son?" "What?" "Forgetting something else?" "Oh."
Walk to sink.
Turn on water.
Close drain. Open drain. Close drain. "Son." Open drain.

Grab soap.
Pump. Soap. Into. Hand. As. Slowly. As. Possible.
Repeat. "Ace, that's enough soap." "Oh, okay."
Wash hands while singing hand-washing song.
Rinse hands.
Turn water off.
Fling water at mirror.
Make faces at self in mirror.

Step off stool.
Open drawer. "What's in here?" "Your washrags." "Why? "Because that's where they go." "Ohhhh, okay."
Close drawer.
Open next drawer. "What's in here?" "Son, dry your hands." "Oh, okay."
Grab towel.
Dry hands.
Shake towel.
Put towel over head, say "Where's the baby?"
Quickly remove towel from head, yell "THERE'S THE BABY!"

Put towel on counter.
Turn on the lights above the mirror.
Turn vent on.
Make faces in the mirror.
Shake head back and forth. Laugh.
Turn all lights and vent off.
Close door.

Ace: "What's that?"
Me: "It's still a grey spot in the carpet."
Ace: "Oh."

Turn hall light on.
Sass Mama in some way when she turns it back off.
Turn hall light on.
Scream and start running when Mama turns it off and says "Bed, son."

Climb back in bed.
Me: "Night, buddy. Love you."
Ace: "Love you too, Mama."


Allison said...

Heehee!!! Wow. And men think WE take forever in the bathroom.

RhondaLue said...

Man, I'm tired now.

Mrs.H said...

Honestly, my dear, you really should write a book. This, while being true (and not nearly as funny at the time), is hysterical when you write it. I hope you never loose your ability to see the humor, even if it does take a while for it to become evident to you.

Mommy said...

ROTFLMAO!!! Too funny!! I have got to see those nails of his!

And if it makes you feel any better:

"Walk into bathroom.
Turn on overhead light.
Turn on the lights above the mirror.
Turn on the vent.
Turn off the vent and the overhead light.
Turn off the lights above the mirror, turn on the overhead light."

^--------------JAYDEN DOES THAT TOO!!

BusyLizzyMom said...

Too funny. The life of an ex-preemie; the things they did not tell you in NICU the sensory needs (water and toilet paper how fun), endless distraction and having a child with a physical disability (okay it was an early warning when she was born). These things make something as easy going to the bathroom a time consuming feat.
I am always in awe of kids getting themselves dressed.