I've discovered a new use for Dyson which neither my crappy Bissell hard floor cleaner nor my surface sweeper could've done.
Dyson - did I mention I have a Dyson vacuum cleaner? - can hastily rid my house of spiders.
The gigantic spider, pictured next to an actual adult Latino dump truck driver for scale. He was nice enough to come in and pose next to Spide-zilla. He didn't want to at first, having seen the size of the spider. "But dude," I said, "my readers will demand specificity in scale."
I unfurled Dyson, afraid that Spide-zilla would awaken. I opened the magical compartment for the hose attachment and extended that puppy, as well as my arm, as far as I could. I suppressed the fleeting image of Spide-zilla crawling up the outside of the hose, over my arm, and into my ear. I suppressed the urge to vomit. One gentle tap of the red power button and Dyson purred to life and with a mighty roar and a loud, disturbing clicking noise, the spider was gone.
(Dude, seriously. How did that spider CLICK on the way through the hose so loudly that I could feel the vibrations from the sound ON MY HAND. Ohhhh, it's so gross to think about that I actually need a shower.)
While I hope Spide-zilla didn't survive the trip, I hope more that Dyson can handle arachnid viscera.
Upon retelling this story to Drew, he said "Was it in the hallway? I saw a really huge one in the hallway this morning. I didn't have time to pick it up." "Honey, there's always time to pick up huge freaking spiders." Dyson has thus proven that it's more of a man than Drew. Dyson ALWAYS has time to pick up spiders.
1 hour ago