So in an effort to clear my fear-clogged head, I saw my OB/GYN today to get some answers and possibly some reassurance in my journey to maybe possibly considering having another baby.
She said that nothing I could have done could have prevented my water breaking early (referred to from now on as PROM, or premature rupture of membranes. Dig the terminology.). I probably asked her 8 questions about it specifically, including whether or not PROM happens more often due to low progesterone or obesity, since my progesterone was low in the beginning of my pregnancy, and I'm a fatty fat fatpants. Nope. Nothing.
Dangit. I was so ready to join my mother-in-law and blame myself.
She did say that there would be a few things she'd do differently if I got pregnant again - hitting me with all the "history of preterm labor" ammo she could fire, if you will. Blood cultures to check for infection, cervical length checks, etc.
With regards to a repeated ectopic, she's said she'd order a test to determine whether or not my tubes are blocked, or if there's any scar tissue in there from my first baby. We're not totally sure our insurance will pay for it (I'll take "Most Likely Not Because It's United HealthCare for $800," Alex), so I'm going to have to do a little more soul searching to see if that'd help a lot to put my mind at ease.
I'm still not sure whether or not I want to do it. It was so, so hard to bond with Ace since my first baby died - I put up this emotional barrier and was seriously afraid to be happy. I'm afraid I'd have a hard time bonding with my next baby, given the fact that I will be anxious throughout the entire pregnancy instead of just the first few months.
I can tell you this; the fears are starting to melt away. I'm getting closer to being able to make a decision about future pregnancies out of logic instead of out of fear. Yes, having an ectopic was hard*. Yes, having Ace 3 months early and dealing with the fallout from his prematurity was hard*. But I survived. Ace survived. The memory of my first baby lives on. Am I willing to walk right past those fears and try it again?
*And by hard, I don't mean senior thesis hard. I mean gut wrenching, soul crushing, depressing, horrifying, physically painful, emotionally draining, downward spiral into my own personal hell hard. Just to clarify.
5 months ago
13 comments:
Stacey,
I feel so much emotion for you reading this post! I am so happy for you that you're overcoming your fears. Whether you decide to have another baby or not, overcoming those fears is HUGE. You ought to be proud of yourself!
I just truly felt teary-eyed reading this. I've not been in the same circumstances as you, but similar, and I just really appreciate what you mean about the bonding things-after losing a baby. (I felt some guilt being so in love w/ Brennan right away, since he was not the "real" #2)
Anyway, enough about me! I am just happy for you. You rock, and I wish you the best!
HSG almost certainly will NOT be covered -- it's for the diagnosis of infertility, and almost nothing in that category is covered. BCBS denied mine back in 2005, although UMC only charged me $550 for mine.
History-of-preterm-labor stuff isn't exactly *fun*, but it's not the end of the world either. Preterm labor itself sucks donkey, what with the bedrest and the mag sulfate and all, so I highly recommend skipping that part, but the preterm labor watch is more annoying than anything else.
Glad to hear you've gotten some factual reinforcement. I know this has been a hard subject for you for a while.
sending prayers your way...
As long as you're happy with whatever decision you make ...
Don't you dare let your Mother-in-law get to you.... do not accept any blame for ace's early arrival... it was just his time... his determination to make his premire a little early... he just refused to wait any longer... and as for your other Angle... That Angle received another assignment last minite... hang in there and don't let it get the best of you... you are a strong woman... and Ace doesn't deserve a go at this live alone... he will need a sibling he can count on ... when you are ready, you will give him one... until you are ready, he has lots of family and friends to make up one hell of a team to root for him ...
as for that test to see if your tubes are ok... i had it done ... about 9 years ago... ...and very inconclusive... anything can block your tubes from scar tissue to clotted menstral blood... my doctor used the radioactive blood to force one of my tubes open and it was very painful!!! the other one was still blocked when I told him to stop... the test was about $800 and the insurance wouldn't cover it (UHC) ... it has probably doubled now...
but I would suggest that you really check on your back before you even consider getting pregnant... it could make for a terribly painful time without pain meds if you are not careful...
hugs...and love...
Silverfox
yes you will get past your fears because you are an incredibly strong woman
Ace the Sequel is going to be nothing short of a blessing that rocks.
The one thing I have learned in this life, and learned well, is that there are no guarantees. You can do everything possible to obtain a certain outcome, and something can still come along and change it all in one second. And I don't say this to sound pessimistic; it's actually the opposite for me. All I can do is all I can do, and the rest just isn't up to me. My dad lived a healthy life--never smoked or drank, ate well, exercised--and he died of cancer at the ripe old age of 55. I lost three babies, but I have two beautiful daughters that bring me incredible joy. I don't know why the things that have happened in my life have happened the way they have, but I am grateful to have survived the bad stuff and I appreciate the blessings of the good stuff. I know you will make the right decision for you and your family, and I would never presume to know what that is, but just keep in mind that some things just aren't up to us. (BTW, Thanks for visiting my site; it brought a smile to my recovering face, and I'm glad you're back "online.")
This is going to sound like I'm preaching to you, but I'm not. I'm really not. But Stacey, let it go. If you keep worrying about everything that could possibly go wrong, you'll be a nervous wreck the whole time, and come to EXPECT the worst. No, there are no guarantees. But don't kill your happiness dwelling on what could happen.
OK?
Sandi - that is much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much easier said than done.
Stacey,
Hugs to you girl. I think one of the most satisfying things to me about going through the searching for answers part of why Aidan was early was knowing what had happened. Once we knew what had happened, we felt like the power of the decision of more children was back in our court.
Ultimately we decided that Aidan is an only. Too much risk of recurrence of HELLP for me with my clotting problem and far too close to death too. My poor DH will never be the same after nearly losing me.
But ultimately, whatever you decide, you are doing it with knowledge and power.
Whatever you and your DH decide will be thoroughly applauded by me. :-)
I'm still right here with you--I have "that appointment" with a new OB (who I am driving an hour and fifteen minutes to see) next tuesday. I have the same lists of detailed questions and I am both excited and scared to death to be talking about doing this again...I keep telling myself, that if I ever plan on doing it, it's better to do it sooner than later. If my body had a difficult time keeping a pregnancy going when I was twenty five, I'm sure it wouldn't be any easier if I keep waiting. We're aiming to get pregnant this summer....*sigh*
I'll keep you in my prayers. Wouldn't it be nice if these new babies were a huge source of healing for us in this area?
While you are young enough and have a husband who loves you and wants kids, go for it. You don't want to get to 40 and look back and realize you missed your chance.
Stacey,
I stumbled across your blog on a link from another preemie blog. (By the way, your "UMC is Off My Christmas Card List" entry made me laugh in a way I haven't in a very long time.) I, too, delivered 3 months early for reasons no one could explain to me. My first born daughter arrived 14 weeks early. I had a huge list of questions for my OB and every other medical person that would listen to me. I understand the passion for the quest for answers. As if it can in some way guarentee a different outcome for next time. In my case, ultimately, we believe my daughter came early because of an intenstinal blockage, but we'll never know for sure. The risks of future pregnancies to myself and an unborn baby are more than my husband and I believe we can handle. I understand your pain. I completely get your fears of not being able to bond with a baby during pregnancy for fear that the baby would not make it. I would not want to spend an entire pregnancy living in constant fear of a repeat of a wild emergency delivery, a nasty recovery and months of the NICU roller coaster. It would be all consuming, unhealthy, and it wouldn't be fair to my daughter. When the time comes to work on adding a sibling we plan to adopt. Please don't surrender to guilt either self induced or from your mother-in-law. There is enough guilt involved in motherhood without adding things that are completely beyond your control.
My prayers are with you as you seek the answers you desire and ultimately peace of mind with whatever your decision will be.
Amanda
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