My sugar

There aren't a whole lot of things I miss about Ace being a newborn. (I'm speaking, of course, of Ace's extended newborn period... 2-6 months old.) The crying sucked. The lack of sleep sucked. The pumping sucked. (ha!) I felt like I was spending more time keeping him from crying than I was sincerely enjoying him and trying to make up for all of the bonding experiences stolen by his prematurity.

One thing I really do miss is having him sleep in my arms. I think one of the more heartbreaking aspects of being a preemie mom is feeling like I completely failed to protect my child. Although having Ace sleep in my arms was often more a function of necessity than an expression of affection, I always enjoyed it - especially when we'd curl up on the couch or in bed together and I'd have my arms wrapped around him and we'd snooze together. I always felt like I was making up for the protection that I couldn't offer him while he was in the womb. I felt, rationally or not, that he felt absolutely safe, and had forgiven me for not holding on to him longer. I think that we really bonded in those moments.

We don't do that so much anymore. I'm kinda strict about his schedule. One nap in the morning, one in the afternoon, very rare deviations. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. Two bottles. Playtime. Errands time. Every single day. I tend to use his naptime to catch up on blogs and e-mail and the occasional chore, so we don't have a lot of opportunity to snuggle up together.

The other night, I thought I was going to go to bed early. I shut the Mac down early, started the dishwasher, and finished my nightly routine, all before 10:30. I then went to check on Ace, like I always do, and I must have woken him up from a bad dream, because he took one look at me and started sobbing. I couldn't calm him down in his crib, so I picked him up and brought him into bed with me. He took a little while to calm down, but then his breathing started to even out, he started to fiddle with my shirt sleeve, and he got very still and peaceful. Even in the dark, I was able to see his long eyelashes touching his big ol' cheek, and I just watched him for a long time. I think I dozed off for a few minutes. Every once in a while, he'd wiggle, but then his hand would rest on my cheek and he'd get still again.

Having my arms wrapped around my soundly sleeping baby is basically the definition of happiness. Reading the archives from June and July of last year remind me that I should never, ever, ever take moments like these for granted.