I wanted sooo badly to nurse Ace. Everyone says I tried my hardest and did the best I could, but had the odds, and Ace's Branson-like stubbornness, against me. The first time I tried, Ace turned blue and needed an oxygen mask for like 10 minutes - not exactly the bonding experience I'd hoped for. Plus, the lactation consultant seemed like she was in a big hurry and wasn't at all helpful. Actually, I thought she was a little too rough with Ace and I wanted to kick her in the shins.
So I pumped and pumped and pumped. When Ace came home, I tried everything to teach him, and it just didn't work. By the time he had been home for 4 months, I was so discouraged with pumping that I quit. I've felt guilty about it ever since, even though I know I tried my best. I just keep thinking I should have tried harder. Freakin' prematurity, I hate it so much.
I don't know what it is, but for the past month, I've had a lot of angst about the whole thing. I thought about starting to pump again, putting him back on breast milk, then maybe trying again to nurse him. Maybe it's because he's getting older and less dependent on me overall, maybe it's because I really, really missed out on that bonding experience, maybe I feel guilty about putting him on the demon formula, I don't know. I see some of my friends who are breastfeeding, and their kids are 7, 8, 9, 10 months old, and I just think "That's so awesome." It makes me want to cry that I could never experience that with Ace. Never once did I have a peaceful, loving nursing experience with my son. Every time, it was argument after argument.
Out of my recent overwhelming guilt that I didn't experience that, I thought I might try nursing him tonight, to see what he did. Got the bra off, got the girls out. Guided him in the right direction. Thought for a second that he might still have the instinct as he put his mouth in the right place. Screamed out in pain when his unhumanly sharp brand new teeth chomped down on my nipple. Smacked myself in the head for not taking that into consideration. Repeated the process. Held my scream in this time. Repeated. Gave up.
Sigh. Pregnant ladies, please at least try to breastfeed. I'm in no way one of those loony advocates or anything, I realize that there are many reasons not to. Yes, it's best for your child, bla bla bla, I'm sure you've heard it already. But, it's a bonding experience that you and your child, and only you and your child, can share. I wish I could have. :(
3 months ago
3 comments:
Ouch! Bites are no joke!
If you still want to try relactating, I would strongly recommend calling Dr. Becky Saenz at the MS Breastfeeding Medicine Clinic in Madison. Teaching an older baby to latch, and reestablishing a milk supply, is definitely a challenge.
There's nothing anyone can really tell you to banish the guilt, or erase the losses that come along with the prematurity, y'know? You got a raw deal, for sure. So I'll just say I'm sorry you're angsty, and that you are a total hero to have pumped as long as you did.
Awww. Hugs to you! I think this is one of my favortie posts of yours I've ever read. :)
It sure sounds like you went b eyond the effort most moms make to nurse. Heck! Your baby was in the hospital for a while. That's sure to make nursing a huge challenge. I give you credit for the time you stuck w/ it. I don't know if I would've had it in me to do the same.
I say a huge ditto to your advice to pregnant moms. At least give it a try!
I feel for you. Preemies are a challenge, and you did a wonderful thing by pumping as long as you did.
I nursed my brood. I had a crappy lactation consultant too-told me I couldn't nurse twins, what was I, nuts? I figured I had 2 babies, 2 boobs, do the math. I also had a sister with 4 kids who had nursed all of hers, so it was like having my own personal LC. Anywho, one of the boys took a while to figure it out. He lost almost a pound and I almost lost my mind until one day, BAM, it works out.
I don't know how you feel about having another baby, but knowing you had one preemie will keep your doctor more on their toes to prevent it from happening again. (Cerclage is a good thing.) You may get that chance again. And if you don't, I see all the things you do for Ace now that I would never have the patience for-and consider your baby quite blessed. He has a wonderful Mommy, breast feeding or not.
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