Germs, man. I hate 'em.

At Ace's 9-month checkup, his doctor said the words that terrify me most. The words that send chills up my spine.

"You can start leaving him in the nursery at church."

How is it that my doctor can adopt an attitude in such stark contrast to Ace's NICU nurses and Synagis coordinator, all of whom believe that preemies born before 32 weeks should live in isolation until the age of 2 in order to avoid RSV? Those are the attitudes that have been hammered into my brain. Those are the attitudes that have turned me into the scary mom-dictator who submits all of her visitors to a questionnaire about their general health and a Purell shower before they come into contact with her child. I think that when God was deciding to whom he should give preemies, he gave me one because he knows what an insane control freak I am. "This one," said God, "won't back down from spraying someone with Purell fire-hose style." God said that.

When I think of nurseries, I think of people who haven't washed their hands in who knows how long, a stunning lack of Purell, snot-nosed kids whose parents just gave them a bunch of Tylenol to kick their fevers down so they could spend an hour at church, toys that have been touched by said kids, and germs flying through the air with the sole purpose of getting their grubby little paws all over my son's weakened immune system.

I know, realistically, that Ace will get sick eventually. I know that sicknesses in childhood build strong immune systems in adulthood. I know that even with my insane control freakishness and the safety net that is Synagis, he could still have gotten seriously ill with RSV. The book I have about preemies says that his chances of getting seriously ill from RSV after the first RSV season are remote. But doggonnit, how do I go from preemie mom to normal mom? How do I go from Purelling my hands every time I touch him to letting someone touch him who may indeed be the kind of person who doesn't wash her hands after pooping? In essence, how do I relinquish control?

I see people with their babies in the grocery store, at restaurants, at the coffee shop, in nurseries, at work... I wonder how they do it. I know that most moms are germophobes when their babies are first born... I wonder how they get over it. But mostly I wonder how I would feel if Ace DID get seriously ill with RSV and had to go back into the hospital. I try to think that I am, and portray myself as, a strong person. But watching my son in a hospital fighting for his life was one of the hardest things I've ever endured. I *did* endure, but I sure don't want to do it again.

Well, for now, I'm gonna go get the Drew-clone dressed and say "aaahhhhh-BOOOO!!!" and make him giggle till he's ready to take a nap. Maybe I'll take him to the coffee shop later this afternoon. Baby steps.