Memorial Day, I had a bunch of friends over for a barbecue. Everyone asked how my pregnancy was going, and all glowing, I said, "Gee whiz, it's been the picture perfect pregnancy! Why, golly gee, I didn't have any morning sickness... just a touch of heartburn really! Deer eat out of my hand! Bluebirds alight on my shoulder and sing! My farts smell like roses!"
My water broke the very next day, I spent 5 days on my back and delivered a baby 11 weeks premature.
Last weekend, we had dinner at a friends' house. "How's the baby?" they asked. "Oh, gosh and begorah, he's luverly. God must have known that I have absolutely zero patience, so He sent me a very good baby! Did I mention the rosy farts?"
The past two days have been FREAKING SCREAM CITY. The child woke up today at 9, ate, and hollered his fool head off until he ate again at 2. He then hollered for another 20 minutes till I said screw this, you sit in your swing and scream. I put him in his swing and he fell asleep. I FINALLY ate, pumped, and thought I'd take a shower for the first time in 3 days. When I took his sleeping like the dead self out of his swing to put him in his crib, I said, hey, I had 4 whole hours of sleep last night, why not grab a nap?
Where did my happy baby go? Why do I, all of a sudden, have a baby that screams all the time? Did the colic just catch up with him?
SO HELP ME MIKE THE FIRST PERSON TO LEAVE A COMMENT THE LIKES OF "It's okay, you can let him cry for a little while" WILL INCUR MY WRATH.
Remind me never to be vocally positive about something ever again in my life because it generally turns around and CRAPS ALL OVER ME. It is only when I am negative that I get positive results.
Oh, and P.S., anyone who says that I should pump through all this can bite me.
1 day ago