My patience level is at about a 1 today. It was yesterday, too. Ace has developed a fondness for being held all the time, and when he doesn't, he screams.
I have a definite guilt complex about letting him holler. Whenever he starts, it's not so bad - I can finish a small task. Then he gets a little louder, and I think about him being in the NICU all alone in an isolette or a crib and having to cry himself to sleep without his mom there to comfort him, and it kills me. I know preemies probably don't have abandonment issues, but every time I left the NICU, it was like a little abandonment. One time I had to leave the NICU when he was crying, and I knew he was crying because he was overstimulated and any comforting I did wouldn't help, but I just couldn't stand leaving, and cried for about an hour. So between that, and the ear piercing levels to which his screams rise, I pretty much hold him whenever he wants, forget about spoiling him.
Last night, though, I left him in his carrier and rocked him and let him holler. My arm was sore from having held him all day, and I just really wanted to eat the delicious meal I had just prepared. See, now I feel guilty just writing about it.
I'm just so tired, though. And crampy, as it's that time (with apologies to my readers who are squeamish about discussion of such matters) and after he ate this morning at 3, I couldn't sleep because my stomach hurt. My house is a huge, disgusting mess, and my laundry situation is so desperate that I've been wearing pajamas all day... which doesn't really matter, since I can't shower during the day anyway.
He's fighting sleep right now with every ounce of strength in his tiny, adorable little body. I think I'll go cuddle him to sleep, and nod off myself. Buh bye.
1 month ago