Wednesday, September 13, 2006

All I need is just a little patience

My patience level is at about a 1 today. It was yesterday, too. Ace has developed a fondness for being held all the time, and when he doesn't, he screams.

I have a definite guilt complex about letting him holler. Whenever he starts, it's not so bad - I can finish a small task. Then he gets a little louder, and I think about him being in the NICU all alone in an isolette or a crib and having to cry himself to sleep without his mom there to comfort him, and it kills me. I know preemies probably don't have abandonment issues, but every time I left the NICU, it was like a little abandonment. One time I had to leave the NICU when he was crying, and I knew he was crying because he was overstimulated and any comforting I did wouldn't help, but I just couldn't stand leaving, and cried for about an hour. So between that, and the ear piercing levels to which his screams rise, I pretty much hold him whenever he wants, forget about spoiling him.

Last night, though, I left him in his carrier and rocked him and let him holler. My arm was sore from having held him all day, and I just really wanted to eat the delicious meal I had just prepared. See, now I feel guilty just writing about it.

I'm just so tired, though. And crampy, as it's that time (with apologies to my readers who are squeamish about discussion of such matters) and after he ate this morning at 3, I couldn't sleep because my stomach hurt. My house is a huge, disgusting mess, and my laundry situation is so desperate that I've been wearing pajamas all day... which doesn't really matter, since I can't shower during the day anyway.

He's fighting sleep right now with every ounce of strength in his tiny, adorable little body. I think I'll go cuddle him to sleep, and nod off myself. Buh bye.


Terri said...

Oh friend, I feel for you!! When Megan was 1 she was still waking up every night (at least 4 times) and with Danielle almost here I knew I needed to do something. After 3 nights of pure torture she started waking up less (although she still did and still does now at the ripe age of almost 7) Remind yourself that you are a wonderful mother and if you set him down for a few that is no reflection upon your mothering capabilities. I am praying for you!!

Anonymous said...

Big Girl wanted to be held all the time, too. After not getting a lot done (and not being able to do a lot one-handed), I decided to use the baby snuggly that someone gave me. All the time.

I got things done, Big Girl was held, and the world was a happier place. ;)

Of course, there were days I didn't shower until Hubby came home from work, but that's a different story. LOL!

-Christine (not able to post as me until Blogger Beta adds that cute feature)

Surviving said...

I can definately understand how hard this is for you. I've been there myself. Just take care of yourself and the baby. The rest can wait. Getting sometime outside the house alone can really help as well, even if it is just for an hour.

Sharon said...

Do you have any type of baby carrier? Sling? Baby bjorn type thing? My ds was COLICKY for 4 months. It was horrible. He wanted to nurse constantly and be held constantly. I became depressed over it. He was high-needs and needed the constant touch. If I had had a sling or wrap then, I think it would've made a big differnece.
(((hugs))) and I sure hope things get better soon. This too shall pass, I promise.